11-16-2014, 04:59 AM
Hi Marvin!
The positives first then:
The rhythm is very strong: 3 stressed syllables in lines 1, 2 and 4 of each stanza and repeating themes (the first line of each stanza being about battle, for example) throughout give the poem a great feel. I can imagine a bunch of soldiers trudging through the fields or hunkered down together with a drink bitterly chanting this song.
The rhyme scheme and the rhymes themselves, while being a little simple, work effectively and don't feel too forced for the most part. I'd potentially like to see some more subtlty rather than the blunt monosyllabic thing you've got going on, but then it might lose some of its everyman quality which gives it that great chanting feel. It's a tricky balance to strike.
I also enjoy that you've tried to convey a regional accent, but I think you might have missed the mark. Which leads me to the negatives.
The regional accent is present but doesn't really have an identity. Other than skipping the 'h' sounds and one 'd' you haven't really created a particular voice or accent that I can hear in my head. The vast majority of accents in the UK h-drop, so this could be almost anything from a broad Yorkshireman to a Scouser or somebody from Essex. Maybe this was intended so as to represent a large portion of the soldiers of (assumedly) the Great War, but I personally don't think that's the way to go with a poem like this. Either fully present a particular regional accent, or don't bother at all. Furthermore, the accent is inconsistent - you drop a 'd' in the first 'and' (in line 2) but then leave it in for the second one (in line 4).
To say the topic is a well trodden path would be an underestimation, but for a novice it's excusable. I would warn against going down such familiar routes as possible though; only the very best poets seem to be able to pull them off nowadays.
So my advice (if you choose to accept it):
+ Keep that rhythm, it's great and integral to the identity of the poem
+ Expand on the 'everyman' tone and voice that you have already begun to present - how you do this is up to you
+/- Potentially try to work in some more subtle rhymes - this may not work but it could be worth some experimentation before writing it off
- Either drop the regional accent entirely or give it a solid and consistent identity, where it recognisably rings through every word
- Avoid generic topics in future
I hope this helps. I'm sorry if I appear too critical - I did enjoy the poem but I like to push people
The positives first then:
The rhythm is very strong: 3 stressed syllables in lines 1, 2 and 4 of each stanza and repeating themes (the first line of each stanza being about battle, for example) throughout give the poem a great feel. I can imagine a bunch of soldiers trudging through the fields or hunkered down together with a drink bitterly chanting this song.
The rhyme scheme and the rhymes themselves, while being a little simple, work effectively and don't feel too forced for the most part. I'd potentially like to see some more subtlty rather than the blunt monosyllabic thing you've got going on, but then it might lose some of its everyman quality which gives it that great chanting feel. It's a tricky balance to strike.
I also enjoy that you've tried to convey a regional accent, but I think you might have missed the mark. Which leads me to the negatives.
The regional accent is present but doesn't really have an identity. Other than skipping the 'h' sounds and one 'd' you haven't really created a particular voice or accent that I can hear in my head. The vast majority of accents in the UK h-drop, so this could be almost anything from a broad Yorkshireman to a Scouser or somebody from Essex. Maybe this was intended so as to represent a large portion of the soldiers of (assumedly) the Great War, but I personally don't think that's the way to go with a poem like this. Either fully present a particular regional accent, or don't bother at all. Furthermore, the accent is inconsistent - you drop a 'd' in the first 'and' (in line 2) but then leave it in for the second one (in line 4).
To say the topic is a well trodden path would be an underestimation, but for a novice it's excusable. I would warn against going down such familiar routes as possible though; only the very best poets seem to be able to pull them off nowadays.
So my advice (if you choose to accept it):
+ Keep that rhythm, it's great and integral to the identity of the poem
+ Expand on the 'everyman' tone and voice that you have already begun to present - how you do this is up to you
+/- Potentially try to work in some more subtle rhymes - this may not work but it could be worth some experimentation before writing it off
- Either drop the regional accent entirely or give it a solid and consistent identity, where it recognisably rings through every word
- Avoid generic topics in future
I hope this helps. I'm sorry if I appear too critical - I did enjoy the poem but I like to push people