11-15-2014, 04:59 AM
(11-01-2014, 05:16 AM)Wjames Wrote: Erosion cracked away the cliffs
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts
since I last wandered there.
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.
Erosion cracked away the cliffs Erosion's cracked away the cliffs?
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts our paths now vanished in the shifts?
since I last wandered there. since 'we'?
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.
Houses don't break (even if they do to make the rhyme fit!) How about
Our childhood homes that lined the bay (Ours makes it more poignant - this was where he and his friends lived)
now sunk beneath the sands
And kids and dogs no longer play
In places where we ran
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
The second half of the stanza is fab, but the first half makes no sense. Having said that I would change 'shirk the stars' (which makes no sense) for maybe 'strut their stuff' [/b]
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.
No need for a comma between 'home' and 'not'. Maybe 'best' or 'young' rather than 'first'. Also the last line is a little clumsy, and doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem (the memory hasn't ended); how about 'that all good things will end', which is more in line with the person's wistfulness of things that were.