Erosion cracked away the cliffs
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts
since I last wandered there.
 
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.
 
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
 
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.

Get rid of contractions for whole nouns…it's lazy writing (e.g. The erosion HAS cracked away the cliffs). Past participle of break is "have BROKEN"…use it when it's called for. If it doesn't work w/your rhyme scheme, find a different word or rhyme scheme. If you want my sympathy in the poem than you have to earn it. Mine was gone after the first four lines w/the mistakes that are there.

I appreciate what you are trying to do and I actually kind of like the poem, but I was gone quickly and didn't really care b/c you didn't in your presentation.

Also…"teen's" does not need an apostrophe. It is a plural, not a possessive. Do like the image "shirk the stars"…nice.

71degrees

i like the poem, it just feels a bit wordy in places. the last two lines didn't work for me though as it felt like they were rushed in order to end the poem.

(11-01-2014, 05:16 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Erosion’s cracked away the cliffs [erosion] would work better without ['s]
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts no need for [have] a comma would do just as well
since I last wandered there.
 
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke i like the enjambment here, the unexpected pause allows for a little ambiguity before the next line makes clear. [no need for the first and]
their noses where we ran. no need for [their]
 
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teen’s would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
 
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.

Thanks for reading and commenting guys, I've made some minor changes (erosion, and teens) right now. I do think I forced the ending a little bit, so I will try and make something a little less abrupt. I also might cut out some of the excess words.

I don't have a problem with "broke" myself, it reads well enough to me.

The last two lines are quite sudden change of the whole perspective.. as billy said. bad ass --> badass?

I am usually averse to simple end rhymes, but I think the rhyme scheme and musicality really work to evoke the nostalgia you are going for. I do agree with Billy that it seems a bit wordy, in a way that makes it wrap up a little too nicely at the end. It might work to your benefit to play around with the structure and rhythm in the final stanza.

(11-01-2014, 05:16 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Erosion cracked away the cliffs
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts
since I last wandered there.
 
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.
 
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
 
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.

I like this poem. The nostalgia is strong in this one. The meter isn't nailed down to measured feet, but the completion of each thought on the line makes it flow naturally. The only exception being line 7, in which tension builds up, because the line ends with a verb that is not part of a complete sentence on the line. I thought that was quite effective given the stark ending of the surrounding lines. I would suggest adding another nifty bit of enjambment in the last stanza of the same effect. "perhaps it's better not to know" can be a complete phrase, so it loses that emphasis that you have in line 7, and in my opinion this sort of poem should end on that emphatic home run.

Also lines 9 & 10 don't really fit when I read them. Jungle gyms have no business being near lakes, especially when clumsy children are afoot. The next two lines I liked a lot. The word "bad-ass" also adds some tension working against the simple tone of the piece, which I think makes those teens seem really nasty.

The final line could use a tweak as well. I'm not quite sure what, but it just seems off when I read it aloud. Perhaps it's the three syllable word "memories", the second of two three syllable words in the poem (the first being the first word) I can understand if you want to break away from the norm of your word choice to create tension for emphasis, but in my honest opinion it falls flat on the last line.

(11-01-2014, 05:16 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Erosion cracked away the cliffs
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts
since I last wandered there.
 
The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.
 
Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.
 
Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.

Erosion cracked away the cliffs Erosion's cracked away the cliffs?
we trampled without care,
our paths have vanished in the shifts our paths now vanished in the shifts?
since I last wandered there. since 'we'?


The homes that lined the bay have broke,
stuck shattered in the sand;
and kids and dogs no longer poke
their noses where we ran.

Houses don't break (even if they do to make the rhyme fit!) How about

Our childhood homes that lined the bay (Ours makes it more poignant - this was where he and his friends lived)
now sunk beneath the sands
And kids and dogs no longer play
In places where we ran

Our jungle gym had monkey bars
for drinking by the lake,
where bad ass teens would shirk the stars
to watch the girls bums shake.

The second half of the stanza is fab, but the first half makes no sense. Having said that I would change 'shirk the stars' (which makes no sense) for maybe 'strut their stuff' [/b]



Those bluffs were home, not long ago,
to me and my first friends,
perhaps it’s better not to know
that even memories end.

No need for a comma between 'home' and 'not'. Maybe 'best' or 'young' rather than 'first'. Also the last line is a little clumsy, and doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem (the memory hasn't ended); how about 'that all good things will end', which is more in line with the person's wistfulness of things that were.