Blue note #1

[twinked]

You're saying something. The poetry sounds false, which is bad for at least two reasons. One is that you seem earnest, the other is that poetry is kind of false already, it's not just spoken word. There's some artifice in it, the trick is to make it real.
There's nothing wrong with sounding odd. If you said something like
Like matches, stricken
of fingers,
this is how it feels.
It might still sound silly, but if you can make something out of that, or go from that to something else, you might have something. Something? I don't know what.
As it is now, you're saying something and adding poem-like things to make it sound like a poem instead of writing a poem and making it feel real.

Wow, this is exactly what I was doing, saying something and poem being, I guess, the secondary objective. In writing this, I started from the imagery, I see things in pictures so I love to put them into sequence, got it connected and then I've put it into this form. So, I am supposed to start from poem and add meaning to it, how does that work? Now that we've identified this, what can I do to avoid that next time when writing? A pointer to some literature, instead of asking you for a very big explanation, would be ideal!