11-11-2014, 03:56 AM
You're saying something. The poetry sounds false, which is bad for at least two reasons. One is that you seem earnest, the other is that poetry is kind of false already, it's not just spoken word. There's some artifice in it, the trick is to make it real.
There's nothing wrong with sounding odd. If you said something like
Like matches, stricken
of fingers,
this is how it feels.
It might still sound silly, but if you can make something out of that, or go from that to something else, you might have something. Something? I don't know what.
As it is now, you're saying something and adding poem-like things to make it sound like a poem instead of writing a poem and making it feel real.
There's nothing wrong with sounding odd. If you said something like
Like matches, stricken
of fingers,
this is how it feels.
It might still sound silly, but if you can make something out of that, or go from that to something else, you might have something. Something? I don't know what.
As it is now, you're saying something and adding poem-like things to make it sound like a poem instead of writing a poem and making it feel real.