11-08-2014, 10:09 AM
ellasoswella,
Saw that this had languished, although I don't know why so I thought I would give you several
I like the second as it brings some context to the series, and if you were going to finish the round with summer and fall, I think I would start with Spring and end with Winter. As I'm sure you know I am no fan of pseudo-Japanese English poetry forms as they leave all the important stuff behind. The use of the 5/7/5/7/7 for me seems to make the line breaks seems arbitrary and jarring. That sterilized feel works to some extent with winter to convey the emptiness of the house, but only make the Spring lines seem random. In terms of winter shouldn't it be full glass and half screen? If it were only half glass then wouldn't things like birds and Billies come in? Just wondering
It would be nice, especially in the second one (Spring) if this had a cadence of some kind to give it some sonic energy. I keep reading back and forth between these two to check on things which is why I am jumping back and forth between poems.
The lines:
"ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection."
Does not sound like a house asleep:
"wakes her mother's home from sleep"
To tell you the truth I'm not sure why this is in the poem:
"Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,"
If you put: snuggled down for the winter, although cliche, it would make sense, but as houses do not move to say that it is "snuggled in its same footprint" is somewhat nonsensical.
This may be just me but, "your home sang your soul" doesn't do much for me. I can see, "your home was a reflection of your soul (better yet, personality, or kind, loving, gentle,wise, witty, personality). Singing soul does not convey much, plus it borders on the weird and makes me think of Harry Potter.
Attributing these sorts of things to a house seems ...odd. Maybe if you were referring to something grander like the great southwest, but a house?
your home sang your soul: --> home sang soul
cradled it during your stay, --> home cradled soul
released it to soar in joy. --> home released soul
I can see a house being a part of someone, representing their personality, but when the house become entwined with a soul it quits being wonderful and becomes something else, maybe a wraith. Purely my take. Your poem.
Spring starts off very well with the red geraniums, a bright brush stroke across the canvas to open, it would be nice to see some deep blues of the lake juxtaposed to that, but all in all for me, it is a much stronger piece than the first one. Some of the last part I don't really understand fully, but I will chalk that up to my ignorance of the locale (Blueprints means those things that you use to build things, also called the plans. I thought there may be other definitions but apparently the dictionary is as stupid as I am. I suppose pennies are some kind of flower? Oh wait that peonies.).
xoxoxo
Dale
Saw that this had languished, although I don't know why so I thought I would give you several
I like the second as it brings some context to the series, and if you were going to finish the round with summer and fall, I think I would start with Spring and end with Winter. As I'm sure you know I am no fan of pseudo-Japanese English poetry forms as they leave all the important stuff behind. The use of the 5/7/5/7/7 for me seems to make the line breaks seems arbitrary and jarring. That sterilized feel works to some extent with winter to convey the emptiness of the house, but only make the Spring lines seem random. In terms of winter shouldn't it be full glass and half screen? If it were only half glass then wouldn't things like birds and Billies come in? Just wondering
It would be nice, especially in the second one (Spring) if this had a cadence of some kind to give it some sonic energy. I keep reading back and forth between these two to check on things which is why I am jumping back and forth between poems.
The lines:
"ready to take off across
the lake's icy reflection."
Does not sound like a house asleep:
"wakes her mother's home from sleep"
To tell you the truth I'm not sure why this is in the poem:
"Your empty house sits
snuggled in its same footprint,"
If you put: snuggled down for the winter, although cliche, it would make sense, but as houses do not move to say that it is "snuggled in its same footprint" is somewhat nonsensical.
This may be just me but, "your home sang your soul" doesn't do much for me. I can see, "your home was a reflection of your soul (better yet, personality, or kind, loving, gentle,wise, witty, personality). Singing soul does not convey much, plus it borders on the weird and makes me think of Harry Potter.
Attributing these sorts of things to a house seems ...odd. Maybe if you were referring to something grander like the great southwest, but a house?
your home sang your soul: --> home sang soul
cradled it during your stay, --> home cradled soul
released it to soar in joy. --> home released soul
I can see a house being a part of someone, representing their personality, but when the house become entwined with a soul it quits being wonderful and becomes something else, maybe a wraith. Purely my take. Your poem.
Spring starts off very well with the red geraniums, a bright brush stroke across the canvas to open, it would be nice to see some deep blues of the lake juxtaposed to that, but all in all for me, it is a much stronger piece than the first one. Some of the last part I don't really understand fully, but I will chalk that up to my ignorance of the locale (Blueprints means those things that you use to build things, also called the plans. I thought there may be other definitions but apparently the dictionary is as stupid as I am. I suppose pennies are some kind of flower? Oh wait that peonies.).
xoxoxo
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.