11-04-2014, 11:58 AM
All issues concerning mechanics and possible word substitutions aside, it's the way the poem is shaped, the rhythm of it, that bothers me a little. Words that should be sticking together are being broken up by line breaks, and I don't understand why if not for the sake of rhyme. Maybe consider reconstructing the poem to be:
The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side; <--this line and the following line are not closely related, therefore the semicolon is not needed. A period maybe?
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall.
A clump of wildflowers wilted,
And left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.
OR:
And left behind a muddied remainder of the monsoon
And his warm breath if you want that emphasis to be put on "his warm breath"
Overall I liked your piece a lot; poems that convey intimate relations without explicitly detailing them are always enjoyable! Good work, you.
The slag adjusted her bodice in front of the mirror
at his holiday home in the country side; <--this line and the following line are not closely related, therefore the semicolon is not needed. A period maybe?
raindrops swelled and rolled
down the mud wall.
A clump of wildflowers wilted,
And left behind a muddied remainder
of the monsoon and his warm breath.
OR:
And left behind a muddied remainder of the monsoon
And his warm breath if you want that emphasis to be put on "his warm breath"
Overall I liked your piece a lot; poems that convey intimate relations without explicitly detailing them are always enjoyable! Good work, you.