Reserved - edit

[tectak]

Revised

The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit ageing stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound and clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music ticks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.

 

 


Original


The muffled room in which we dine
at tables doomed for eight or nine;
the champagne glasses deftly clinked,
though champagne isn’t what we drink.
The chicken’s textured rubber duck
and vegetables are overcooked;
rain dribbles down the window-panes;
the walls exhibit aged stains.
The waitress frowns absorbed, remote;
you shape a sound, you clear your throat
then whisper something indistinct;
our stiltedness makes others wince.
The portraits yawn, the music plinks;
a napkin’s drawn to bloodless lips.
So many seats remain unfilled
to celebrate how time is killed.
 

I've followed this one ray. I can't do a line by line because the bloody reply box is in "show all characters" so it's all font,size,font,colour[]blah,blah...so this me liking it it but:
Colonic discharge. The first four lines do not a sentence make. You may think this inconsequential in a rolling piece like this but if you want it to fall forward under its own gravity, propping it up with semicolons doesn't help.
"The chicken chews like rubber duck" is easier to say with your mouth full, then comma but loose the "and" next line, in favour of "the". So:
"The chicken chews like rubber duck,
the vegetables are overcooked." English vegetables are vedge-tah-bles.Your poem.You have a sentence so next two lines are another.Like.
The rest is just as good but needs the same treatment. Overall, this is solid stuff and could almost qualify as a duo of vignettes with close coupling.
Well done.
Best,
tectak