10-22-2014, 01:20 AM
I haven't read the other crits so forgive me if I repeat...]I really love this poem: the whole idea behind it, the freshness of the imagery and thanks for non traditional end rhymes.
L8 is missing a beat as we say in rock: could be remedied as easily as adding well in front of aged. (plus that word adds assonance & alliteration which I adore)
The last stanza before the couplet the slant rhymes kind of get a bit wonky (plus you changed rhyme patterns)--winch --whathuh where's the rhyme (that's my audience voice)
Really nice almost sonnet. Way to push boundaries.
cheers,
mel.
L8 is missing a beat as we say in rock: could be remedied as easily as adding well in front of aged. (plus that word adds assonance & alliteration which I adore)
The last stanza before the couplet the slant rhymes kind of get a bit wonky (plus you changed rhyme patterns)--winch --whathuh where's the rhyme (that's my audience voice)
Really nice almost sonnet. Way to push boundaries.
cheers,
mel.