Reserved - edit

[abu nuwas]

Thanks for the comments.

WJames - doomed will likely go. aged should be pronounced with 2 syllables but perhaps I'll use ageing.
you shape a sound, you clear your throat  - yeah, at least one you will go
I'm fine with indistinct/wince, not so much now with lips/plinks
to celebrate how time is killed.  - well, imagine a wedding anniversary, for instance

Cidermaid  - I'm not sure about the champagne lines. They've a certain flatness I like.
yes, I need a comma after frowns
The syllable count is meant to mirror the , er, studiedness of the characters

arbitraryarmor - I've addressed most of your comments already, I hope. I don't see that rain disturbs the metre

There is nothing wrong with the meter -it is like an iambic metronome, four feet to the line. I think it does suit the scene.

I have been in restaurants like that, but never in such circumstances. One imagines that if the couple were happy, the food would seem good, and they would not notice the waitress or the stained wall. But I imagine it to be rather like one of Strindberg's plays, where the couple do not talk, because they said everything they had to say long ago. 

I wondered about 'wince' though.  The stiltedness is an ongoing thing, but we wince at an unexpected or at least a single thing -- though I shall practise continuous wincing to test this. There were several references to sound, or the lack of it, and I think this is highlighted by the lack of colour. I'm sure all the other comments were important.