10-19-2014, 12:40 PM
(10-18-2014, 08:59 PM)Keith Wrote: The month of October is pushing me over,
there’s a trail of clothes that she wore
but she doesn’t care, she’s just dyed her hair
and her towels are wet on my floor. --here is a rhyme that is effortless and flows. it shows how there are other things on her mind, your OCD not being one of them.
She’s been losing weight at a very fast rate
her appearance is becoming stick thin.
Of course it’s all fine I know it’s that time
for the seasons to end and begin --here are the seasons ending and winter coming in a sign of a troubling time for her and for you rolling in? I wish you would pull out this metaphor if there is one, or explain her weight loss more and why you're fine with it.
But what about me and my OCD,
I want to put everything straight.
There’s too much crap been dropped in my lap,
anxiety swirls at my gate. --here the rhyme seems a bit forced. I feel like something about "on my plate" would be more suitable than "at my gate", but try to avoid a forced rhyme or a cliche if you can.
Roll on the render that’s brought by December
and the falling flakes of dead skin. --I love this raw imagery. The dryness of winter is hitting here.
With everything white I’ll keep calm at night
and October will mulch in my bin. --this rhyme again seems a bit forced. also, why will you keep calm at night if there's anxiety swirling at your gate?