Dusty -revised

[billy]

Thanks, Billy. then mist has covered the traces  - then has gone.
Which of the rhymes aren't working, do you think?

Original





I just don’t know what to do with my self
and it’s seldom I can locate it.
I’m circled on maps but when I stop to ask
then mist has covered the traces.
In living rooms and in limbo,
on all fours and on tiptoe I’ve chased it.
I’ve read the self-help literature,  all rhymes up to this point seem non existant
Bergson et al and etcetera:
the brain is but a filterer
and in theory all can be heard and seen,
what is now and what has been.  these two couplets rhyme.
The world is on my fingerprints,
its garbage overflows the bins
and I am blown by violins  this couplet rhymes
to search my self to smithereens
down half-remembered alleyways,
the detritus of all the days  this couplet rhymes
that’s settled on your counterpane.
Let’s fumble locks and zips and lips from here there's an alternating rhyme in places that seem to switchback though drip and lips is half rhyme almost
too intimately intricate,
let’s laugh and listen to the drip
of percussion dabbled blue.
Let’s steal a ball with a private invite
and dare the world to pursue;
at daybreak when the dust has flattened
and the great birds hover and squawk,
I’ll shrink smaller than invisible
and beg you to turn on the dark.
in general it rhymes in places and not in others. the places where it rhymes become more obvious that good consistent rhymes. forgive me if i see something you don't see :J:

let’s laugh and listen to the drip this line and the two above it work well as a unit within the poem but now the self is the two selves.?

no, not two selves, but a partner. i understand that , rightly or wrongly i saw the poem about self, and that the person was questioning their own being/existence.   sorry if i read it wrong.

I'm having great trouble with the fonts on here all of a sudden!

i seem to making lots of apologies but the thing is; it's what i see, while i'm fine with you questioning what i see. it doesn't make or allow me to not see it. on that basis my apologies are my way of not arguing any points you have within the thread. if you see what i say as wrong that's fine, ignore those parts.