medina mornings

[justcloudy]

The rural rug seller and the stern spice
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beards[
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins.
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.

[abu nuwas]

.


It put me in mind of Marrakesh, and its busy square with water-carriers and story-tellers, more than anywhere else, though mention of an Aussie girl reminded me also of one in S Arabia, who opined ''There's only two sorts of Saudis-- those who look down your top, and those who look up your bottom'' =both of which body-parts have, I am sure, long-since been abolished.

Your poem is, as it were, front-loaded, with a flurry of alliteration, which peters out as the mini-tale progresses.  I am not sure that's important; t attracts the eye and ear, and then the genial picture speaks for itself. It is very vivid, but I am supplying my own colours, smells etc, as well as the particular light of the place -- whatever place.

'Passers-by' for me has a hyphen, as does 'run-off'.

[just mercedes]

Hi - lovely glimpse of a time and place, complete with sounds and smells. I've picked at a few things just to have something to say, so Todd doesn't tell me off for not doing a good-enough critique for the forum. You'll have to imagine the hilarious smiley here because I can't make it work.   Oooops -now I can.




The rural rug seller and the stern spice      I think rug-seller should have a hyphen -
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beards   also the spice-stand man, but that would ruin your enjambment
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic          can you watch a pitter patter? great alliteration
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick       passers-by
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;       what ablution? they slurp, and wipe, not wash
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through         I can see her! good imagery
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins.         I read 'doing'
Her sunny hair and smile make                ' sunny smile' skirts the edge of cliche for me
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right                  this construction feels a bit clunky - maybe 'their days don't feel right / until...' or something like that would be better
once she springs by.

I'm off down the alley to explore the antiquities shop ... thanks for posting this!

[justcloudy]

Thanks all for your thoughts!

tectak I agree that this does need work, and thanks for your spot-on pointers. But how on earth did you manage to critique my original post?? I'm really confused about the mechanics of that one. Would you mind trying to undo that?

I had it as passers-by originally but Word corrected me. Guess it's up for debate? I'm ambivalent though and can change it no problem.

I'll do more with the ablution runoff, because the place I'm talking about literally has mini makeshift gutters in the alleys for the literal ablution runoff, seeing as the people stationed there have to wash many times a day. Oh, sorry, run-off. I guess there were all sorts of hypens I was missing!

JM I wasn't sold on the sunny smile either, but I tried to break it up with the hair. Still kinda falls a bit flat though, thanks for that.

Btw Abu you were close-- this is based in Casablanca, but the vibe is similar.

Anyway thanks again all. ^____^

[tectak]

The rural rug seller and the stern spice Over-obvious alliteration is one of my downfalls so I know it when I see it...and usually edit it out before I post. Having said that, I note also that there is a lack of  intent in the words themselves. A "rural" rug seller is difficult identify as of a "type". He is a rug-seller. The "stern" spice man is also difficult....forgive me for asking but what is "stern spice"? Oh, the spice seller is stern...but so what....or why...will it be of essence? No. The rug seller and the spice-stand man are drinking tea....OK, let's go with that.
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beardsPictorially, this is cutely veracious. I can and have seen it all before. I worry about the gnarled hands only because it just doesn't fit in. Spice sellers and rug sellers...gnarled hands? It must be age not application. So:
"The old rug-seller and the spice-stand man
slurp and spill their hot mint tea.
They wipe grey beards with time-gnarled hands
and settle to watch the people go by;
pitter-patter, chitter-chatter in the alleys of the souk."
Your poem and your concept...I like it and want to like it more.
                   
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;You may as well SAY what your eye sees in the visual language of the PLACE. "Ablution runoff"????? No. Just no.You are not going to make anything out of the observation if you just leave it as it is.
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through...and why did that stop the way-picking of the "passersby"
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins....and why only during this short gazelle-like dash. Are there gazelles in Oz?
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.Last four lines are beautifully crafted...but "as she springs by" might make more sense.

There is something I like about this but that is not what you want to hear. It DOES need work.
Best,
tectak

Sincere apologies. Mod privileges gone awry. I hit the edit button instead of the reply,
Should be OK now,
Best,
tectak
PS I know Casablanca of old (1969-72). I know about the puddles of people in mid-circumstance. There is an acceptance...or was. I was questioning the contextual thinking...in all my time there and in Marrakesh, Layounne, Dakhla and that seat of civilisation...Tunis, I never felt that European/Western aloofness towards the basic sanitation of the locals. Things may have changed as things do. I withdraw my comment if this is the case...but ablution is too strong for a beard wipe!
Best,
tectak

[justcloudy]

Sincere apologies. Mod privileges gone awry. I hit the edit button instead of the reply,
Should be OK now,
Best,
tectak
PS I know Casablanca of old (1969-72). I know about the puddles of people in mid-circumstance. There is an acceptance...or was. I was questioning the contextual thinking...in all my time there and in Marrakesh, Layounne, Dakhla and that seat of civilisation...Tunis, I never felt that European/Western aloofness towards the basic sanitation of the locals. Things may have changed as things do. I withdraw my comment if this is the case...but ablution is too strong for a beard wipe!
Best,
tectak

Thanks!
And that's exactly why I need to rework the ablution part-- I mean the washing before their 5 daily prayers, nothing to do with their beards. Clearly I totally failed in getting that across, likely because of the difference between my context and that of the non-Muslim world. Here if you say "ablution" there is no doubt in anyone's mind what you're referring to. Anyway thanks again for the comments and stay tuned for an edit!
PS Casa of old was a whole 'nother world. Casa just 15 years ago was completely different. Things have been changing quickly in this corner of Africa in the past 50 years, and the pace is only quickening.

[ray]

The rural rug seller and the stern spice         - odd to end the line on spice, I think, and the alliteration is too much
stand man slurp mint tea, wipe their beards[
with gnarled hands, and settle to watch
the pitter patter of pedestrian traffic             - on the other hand this alliteration is fine. Great line. I'm sure you can watch pitter-patter
in the side alleys of the souk. Passersby pick
their way to avoid the ablution runoff;
till an Aussie gazelle bounds through
in waterproof sneakers and earbuds
during her daily dose of endorphins.            - not keen on these 3 lines. till makes it seem as if  passers-by have waited just for her. taking better than during?
Her sunny hair and smile make
friends with the slippered men,
and their days only feel right
once she springs by.

Might be worth considering swapping bounds and springs.
gazelle springs through
once she has bounded by.

[justcloudy]

Thanks ray! Good thoughts. I agree with you on pitter patter, and will definitely consider your spring/bound swap. Thanks for taking the time!