Dusty -revised

[ellajam]

So the more I read this the more I like it. I like it dealing with an unexamined life vs an obsessively examined life vs a reasonably examined life. It's an important issue for me and this journey through it is interesting. I enjoyed the way the poem slips in and out of rhyme, not so enjoyable is the way it slips in and out of meter. While I realize that a defined meter isn't your aim the poem at points achieves a fine rhythm which is broken here and there. If that's intentional it's your privilege and maybe I'll grow to like it. If you want to smooth it out you can.

I've put a few thoughts below. I don't recognize most of the lyrics billy's talking about so I have no comment on those or on the meaning or acceptability of using them.

I just don’t know what to do with my self
and it’s seldom I can locate it.
I’m circled on maps but when I stop to ask
then mist has covered the traces. These four lines are a fine opener. I don't see the value in "then".
In living rooms and in limbo, This works in sense and sound.
on all fours and on tiptoe I’ve chased it. Enjoyed the image, you may not need the second "on".
I’ve read the self-help literature,
Bergson et al and etcetera: Bergson was an interesting choice to lead the list, it twisted the view for me.
the brain is but a filterer
and in theory all can be heard and seen,
what is now and what has been. The way you've placed these three lines you may not need "in theory".
The world is on my fingerprints,
its garbage overflows the bins
and I am blown by violins I don't understand this line, though it does sound pretty.
to search my self to smithereens Great line, sonically and the thought of it. Here also starts a beautiful ride to the end.
down half-remembered alleyways,
the detritus of all the days  Nice Ds in these two lines.
that’s settled on your counterpane. I had to look up counterpane, it's not a word I use, though it works and is lovely, just odd.
Let’s fumble locks and zips and lips A real keeper of a line.
too intimately intricate,
let’s laugh and listen to the drip
of percussion dabbled blue. This line lies flat for me, it breaks the rhythm with no reward.
Let’s steal a ball with a private invite Private invite again does nothing for me, the whole line seems off.
and dare the world to pursue;
at daybreak when the dust has flattened I like the use of flattened here, it breaks the meter in a flat way that seems fitting.
and the great birds hover and squawk,
I’ll shrink smaller than invisible Slipping "shrink" in made me smile.
and beg you to turn on the dark.Love the last line.

You did some fine work with alliteration and rhyme here, it's not intrusive and sounds great. I hope my comments help you see the poem through my eyes and will help you clarify where you think I've got it wrong.

Thanks for posting it, a fun interesting piece.