Dusty -revised

[ellajam]

Hi ray, I found plenty to like here, mostly in the bottom half, the poem for me took off here:

to search my self to smithereens
down half-remembered alleyways,
the detritus of all the days
that’s settled on your counterpane.
Let’s fumble locks and zips and lips
too intimately intricate,
let’s laugh and listen to the drip
of percussion dabbled blue.
Let’s steal a ball with a private invite
and dare the world to pursue;
at daybreak when the dust has flattened
and the great birds hover and squawk,
I’ll shrink smaller than invisible
and beg you to turn on the dark.

I don't have time for a proper critique right now, I'll be back later, but "rubbish" isn't the term I'd use here.