Sleep My Love, Sleep

[Zeno's Bullet]

Sleep my love, sleep.
Rest your head upon my breast
and place yourself into my keep.
Then dream us on a mighty quest. I agree with previous posters about the apparent forced rhyme in this stanza. Specifically, 'and place yourself into my keep' is confusing.

To a land where dragons exist.
Where we can run through mystical forests,
as we chase unicorns through the mist. This--and the previous line--is also a sentence fragment.
Then on pretty balloons will float, I promise. 'We'll' or 'will'?

As through the marshes we must flee. The syntax here is out of this world. There needs to be a focus on 'meaning with rhyme' instead of 'rhyme with meaning."
Toward evil knights guarding the keep,
where the buried treasure is we seek.
Before escaping on the murmuring seas.

Sleep my love, sleep.
Close your eyes and spread your wings.
There no reason for you to weep,
for in your dreams you are king.

The major issues for me are the forced rhyme, stretched syntax, and sentence fragments. There needs to be a focus on 'meaning with rhyme' instead of 'rhyme with meaning.' I believe if you switch your focus like this and think more about developing your themes and content THEN using poetic devices to make enhancements, you will achieve greater results.

Otherwise, I love sleeping and dreaming...especially about unicorns. But, the unicorns I dream about usually have guns and Austrian accents.


Zeno