Fever under Radio

[crow]

Todd--great line-by-line! I'm slowly and slowly learning to be incisive like you are here. Really humbling. I'd add two things. First, "down" in S3 really weakens the image. Second, I still have serious concerns over "might" I'm that same stanza. "May" or "could" or even "will" seem much more powerful, and "might" seems inaccurate. Specifically, "might" suggests a possible future, but I think you want a verb that threatens that future.

Here's a quick proofread:

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one.


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor[,]
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me, [original itals should prolly be quotes, unless this references a whole album.]
cat curled [beside] her.

She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones[no comma]
or grow overnight [in]to an old woman
before a single TV dinner ["before" is awkward here].

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.