10-09-2014, 12:57 PM
(10-01-2014, 09:40 AM)bwasroy Wrote: Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one.
Fever under Radio – 5th Draft
She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her. -- beside, not besides, right? This stanza sets the atmosphere very nicely.
She lingers, shivering,
until the stars
come out to dance. -- So... the narrator is lying outdoors in the field? The image changed from one of almost zen-like mood indoors to an uncomfortable and slightly damp outdoors. While the 2 stanzas read nicely with a smooth flow, the image are contradictory. Either that or I'm over thinking things.
This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,
clutching the pillow. -- I would rearrange the last 2 lines to 'as she clutches the pillow/with dreams of nothing' or something of similar ilk. The syntax currently reads a little awkward in my opinion. The stanza reads beautifully though, and while it borders on cliche, it never really crosses the line. Oh, and now we're indoors again.
Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner. -- This is a very good stanza that shows a lot about the poem with rich imagery. The weakest line would be the third one, which I think can be further strengthened. Maybe you can try evoking a feeling of decay and declining strength or relevance?
A ghost.
Maybe she is one already. -- I don't really like these last 2 lines. In my opinion ending on the previous stanza is stronger.
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