she is like a ripe apple

[bena]

Hello there. Going to do a quick crit and haven't read the others' responses so forgive me if I repeat.
The title is kinda mundane, and I wish it summed up the poem to give readers a bit of a clue. Let's jump in--
She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough,
<>


Surreptitiously concealed

<< Thinking all this sentence could be condensed. Surreptitious/concealed/undiscovered are all very similar words. >>

within the orchard and
Undiscovered. Preliminary notions hold dying fruit,

<

When bees, coruscating <>
in the summer sun, <>

Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune
<>

Whose wondrous sound denies

<>

Lofty and full of passionate weight,

<

The chapel is down the road;
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Old and lost, covered in ivy, crumbling walls.
She listens to the praying of the bees. <>
She dreams of opening a star.

This last line is stellar (snort) due to all the layers of meanings. Could mean opening on stage as a singer/star. Could mean when you slice an apple (and that's the 'she' throughout the poem) sometimes you get that awesome five-pointed seed star.

My favorite has to be the actual space star, wow, wouldn't the thought of opening one of those be astronomical.

I know overall I've been pretty harsh on you, but the truth is, you have promise or why bother. And this is Serious Workshopping, that's why we are allowed whips with barbs on them.

I really dig the religious undertones (prayer, forbidden apple, and even sex---yes, fruit formation is still sexual.

It just needs lots of work on clarity.

I would also suggest not capping every line...yeah it's a matter of opinion, but it is truly archaic---When printers were first invented, this was the signal from the poet to printer to drop down a line.

Welcome aboard. Remember all things above are rantings of a lunatic, to be taken with a grain of salt.




mel/bena
poetry dominatrix extraordinaire