Fever under Radio

[Todd]

Hello bwasroy,

Let me give you some comments below to consider. I don't recall the earlier revisions so I'll only be addressing the current version.

Hopefully, some of you folks remember this one. 


Fever under Radio – 5th Draft

She lies on the floor
listening to The Kinks
sing You Really Got Me,
cat curled besides her.--It seems like you actually want beside instead of besides here.

She lingers, shivering,--I like the assonance in your i sounds through this point. The sonics in general are one of the more pleasing aspects of the work.
until the stars
come out to dance.--While the image of the stars dancing isn't bad, I wonder how the "She" in the poem can be aware of them as she lies on the floor. The observation comes across as an omnipresent narrator.

This whole town
might burn down tonight
as she dreams of nothing,--again pleasing sonics (the t and d consonants and the o sounds) and I like the phrasing of "dreams of nothing"
clutching the pillow.

Maybe she’ll walk into the river,
pockets filled with stones,
or grow overnight to an old woman
before a single TV dinner.--These are solid images and this is perhaps the strongest strophe from a content perspective. It reminds me in a way of Plath's Mirror. You've already introduced the cat so the single TV dinner plays into the view of growing old alone.

A ghost.
Maybe she is one already.--For my tastes (and that's what it is) the poem really comes into its own with these last two strophes. While the sonics are good earlier from a content perspective I wonder if there's a way you can raise everything to the level of the ending. Just a thought. The ending just seems much stronger to me than the opening.


I hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd