10-07-2014, 09:32 AM
Mwaba, thanks for the feedback! Maybe I should have been more clear that this was free verse, but which parts were hard to read? I definitely want to iron out those creases.
The parentheticals are somewhere between my detached critique and what I imagine The Coffeeshop girl to be thinking about me. I couldn't think of a better way to convey that, anyone have any suggestions?
The second stanza was meant to suggest that she is the barista; the third, that she has this exchange with every customer. "The usual?" is referencing the first stanza where I talk about getting the same thing every day. How can I make this interaction clearer?
The last stanza isn't about me and The Coffeeshop Girl getting together, the "we" was meant as I and the rest of the patrons of this coffee shop.
The parentheticals are somewhere between my detached critique and what I imagine The Coffeeshop girl to be thinking about me. I couldn't think of a better way to convey that, anyone have any suggestions?
The second stanza was meant to suggest that she is the barista; the third, that she has this exchange with every customer. "The usual?" is referencing the first stanza where I talk about getting the same thing every day. How can I make this interaction clearer?
The last stanza isn't about me and The Coffeeshop Girl getting together, the "we" was meant as I and the rest of the patrons of this coffee shop.