In the Night

[Lysander Gray]

*In The Night
I like the darkness end the line with a comma or perhaps a semicolon. Fuck it, full stop. Make it a statement.
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery < though others said this is cliche, if you look at this and the line before it it the word ''warm'' links to the mystery. How does one know the cloud is warm? Tis a mystery. Also drop the seemingly, it either is or is not.
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists< on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry, if the darkness is renewing and enlivening then why do you laugh, scream, kick and cry? this line is confusing. Perhaps if you are using a rebirth metaphor it would work, but then it should be more obvious. Reference to infants?
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts < ?? cliche and unnecessary.
And the night is my canvas drop the ''and''
With endless possibilities. replace With with Of
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains, < good shit.
A portal to the universe. this line doesn't fit and comes across too direct and prose-y. Perhaps strike it altogether or think of another ending that leaves more to the imagination. More ambiguous.

This one shows a lot of potential, the theme is good, though cliche'd. It is a poet's aim to take the commonplace and make it shine into something that burns, to create stars from dust. I love the metere'd/rhyming section at the bottom, it is a beautiful counterpoint to the free verse style that came before it.