she is like a ripe apple

[billy]

hi Ben.
the first line is a simile, sometimes it can be expressed without [like] in which it becomes an out and out metaphor.
She is a ripe apple hanging from the bough

watch out for baggage, (to much wordiness, usually the smaller words in a line.)

i can see you enjoy poetry very much. and that's a great thing to have, try not to let the poetry control you, you must always be in command of it. say what you wish but mold it into something the reader can see. (unless of course it's a personal one for the wife etc) the first line starts off well and they it hits the poetry, i think poetry like rhyme should be heard but not noticed. you have to make it seem like it's not poetic which in turn will allow to be poetic. an explanation is a good set of casual cloths or a pimps suit, that latter is too much in ones face (though at times it may be needed) i'd cut much of the poem away in order to leave a few apples on the branch and then restock it with some stronger leaves.

Hi, here's a poem I wrote today.

She is like a ripe apple hanging from the bough,
Surreptitiously concealed within the orchard and is and needed?
Undiscovered. Preliminary notions hold dying fruit, what does this line actually say? how can it be undiscovered if they're already preliminary notions?
When bees, coruscating in the summer sun,
Diverge around her, singing their alluring tune bee's tend not to sing, try and be precise
Whose wondrous sound denies the chapel’s prayers,
Lofty and full of passionate weight,
Breathing non-mystery and sense.
The chapel is down the road;
Old and lost, covered in ivy, crumbling walls.
She listens to the praying of the bees.
She dreams of opening a star.