Petronius the Arbiter (formerly OKregret)

[ellajam]

Hi, Jake. You get a strong meter going but seem to not respect the strength it gives your poem, you just toss it here and there. You may want to think about it a bit. A few notes:

edited 

finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix me formulated I don't think formulated serves the poem well.

stared into stone as serpents clasped

and as bled out, you bled within I like this line but am unsure who bled out.

destroying yourself in lantern glass  I'd prefer destroyed.

as this one laughs and points, then death strong last line.






you sent me through a grinder

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip

and broke your own skin

but instead of bleeding out

you bleed your cruelty within

and project your madness to me

your foolish internet boyfriend 

Strong feedback, thanks.

the witch. Easy fix.

within destroyed vs. within destroying...I think you're right but it's a coin toss. When I changed to destroyed I like destroying, and as destroying I like it better as destroyed. What the fuck is that about?

Ha, that's writing poems, sometimes it's really hard to figure what's best. I like destroyed because the meter works better for me and I like bled with destroyed. But it's your poem, take your time, it will come to you. maybe.