edited twice

finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix my form 

stared into stone as serpents clasped

as you bled out, you bled within 

destroyed yourself in lantern glass 

as this one laughs and points, then death






finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix me formulated 

stared into stone as serpents clasped

and as bled out, you bled within 

destroying yourself in lantern glass 

as this one laughs and points, then death






you sent me through a grinder

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip

and broke your own skin

but instead of bleeding out

you bleed your cruelty within

and project your madness to me

your foolish internet boyfriend 

This poem is dog shit, but I had to...

(09-28-2014, 01:06 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  you sent me through a grinder (not a strong opening line)

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip  (not clear enough to convey your thought)

and broke your own skin (another word instead of 'broke')

but instead of bleeding out (i would remove 'but')

you bleed your cruelty within (bled would read better)

and project your madness to me (projected so the tenses are even)

your foolish internet boyfriend (i would do away with this line. it does nothing to help the poem)

it reads more like a rant. but there is scope for improvement. thanks for indulging me. 

your feedback is much appreciated, Tamara

The suggestion to omit the first line was really, really helpful here.

I also feel like I channeled a bit of Ray H.

Stop counting my own views, forum!

by the thumbing of my prick something grows that's long and thick

by the pricking of my thumb something wicked this way comes.

It's a good thing that Shakespeare took the second version of this line, or Macbeth would have been
a porno film a completely different play.

dale

love it 

Hi, Jake. You get a strong meter going but seem to not respect the strength it gives your poem, you just toss it here and there. You may want to think about it a bit. A few notes:

(09-28-2014, 01:06 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  edited 

finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix me formulated I don't think formulated serves the poem well.

stared into stone as serpents clasped

and as bled out, you bled within I like this line but am unsure who bled out.

destroying yourself in lantern glass  I'd prefer destroyed.

as this one laughs and points, then death strong last line.






you sent me through a grinder

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip

and broke your own skin

but instead of bleeding out

you bleed your cruelty within

and project your madness to me

your foolish internet boyfriend 

(09-30-2014, 09:55 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Jake. You get a strong meter going but seem to not respect the strength it gives your poem, you just toss it here and there. You may want to think about it a bit. A few notes:

(09-28-2014, 01:06 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  edited 

finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix me formulated I don't think formulated serves the poem well.

stared into stone as serpents clasped

and as bled out, you bled within I like this line but am unsure who bled out.

destroying yourself in lantern glass  I'd prefer destroyed.

as this one laughs and points, then death strong last line.






you sent me through a grinder

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip

and broke your own skin

but instead of bleeding out

you bleed your cruelty within

and project your madness to me

your foolish internet boyfriend 

Strong feedback, thanks.

the witch. Easy fix.

within destroyed vs. within destroying...I think you're right but it's a coin toss. When I changed to destroyed I like destroying, and as destroying I like it better as destroyed. What the fuck is that about?

(09-30-2014, 10:54 AM)maximumjake Wrote:  

(09-30-2014, 09:55 AM)ellajam Wrote:  Hi, Jake. You get a strong meter going but seem to not respect the strength it gives your poem, you just toss it here and there. You may want to think about it a bit. A few notes:

(09-28-2014, 01:06 PM)maximumjake Wrote:  edited 

finger this and finger that

finger me you witch you ruse 

thumbs that bend and slip and grasp

prick your thumb and let it bleed

to the cauldron with your hex

one-word spells that fix me formulated I don't think formulated serves the poem well.

stared into stone as serpents clasped

and as bled out, you bled within I like this line but am unsure who bled out.

destroying yourself in lantern glass  I'd prefer destroyed.

as this one laughs and points, then death strong last line.






you sent me through a grinder

aiming to eviscerate my intent

but you let a finger slip

and broke your own skin

but instead of bleeding out

you bleed your cruelty within

and project your madness to me

your foolish internet boyfriend 

Strong feedback, thanks.

the witch. Easy fix.

within destroyed vs. within destroying...I think you're right but it's a coin toss. When I changed to destroyed I like destroying, and as destroying I like it better as destroyed. What the fuck is that about?

Ha, that's writing poems, sometimes it's really hard to figure what's best. I like destroyed because the meter works better for me and I like bled with destroyed. But it's your poem, take your time, it will come to you. maybe.