frostbite

[Wjames]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches long might not be necessary.
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors Nice opening imagery; I really like the movement/change captured in such a still image.

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition I agree with others about the "I guess"'s. It does read like something the narrator would actually say if they were speaking (or if you were performing this poem), but it doesn't really work on the page when I read it. Other than that, I like the hope/desire captured here.

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest open chest makes me think of a heart... narrator spoke their feelings too soon. The winter metaphor could of course represent just about anything, depending upon the reader's own lens of experience. The winter could represent depression, unrequited love, sickness, etc, and that's what I think makes the poem great - it's specific enough to elicit strong feelings, but general enough to be strongly relatable; everybody's had their own personal winter overstay its welcome.
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily Great ending

I really liked it, I wouldn't worry too much about whether your intended metaphor comes through or not, so long as people can find a metaphor/meaning that works for them in it. I think you could trim a few words here or there, but the poem as a whole is great.