frostbite

[ChristopherSea]

As a watercolor artist, I could paint the atmosphere and vista that you created in your poem.


The piece comes across as a straight forward dread of winter and longing for spring, 

before the weather has caught up with the season. There could be a greater implied metaphor 

for some sort of loss occurring in your winter of discontent, but I would need more 

clues as to whether it was the death of a loved one or a relationship, etc.


As for the no capitalization or punctuation style, I always feel that uncapped ‘i’s 

come off too ‘emo’ or ‘little girl-like’. I understand that it is a personal preference, 

but they get me to looking for little circles or hearts above them. 


There is some opportunity for more brevity of word throughout. There are 9 ‘and’s 

and 2 ‘I guess’s that seem to detract from the poem. There are many ‘the’s 

that could go as well (I will point out a few below). 


The excess ‘and’s almost seem to be crutches to fill in for the missing punctuation. 

Commas may serve you better. I could dispense with all of the 'ands', except for 

the last one (see what you think). 


In your opening line, are both ‘cut’ and ‘scratches’ needed? They almost contradict. 

What about just: ‘April cut into the city with long fingernails.’ 


Are 3 ‘trying’s necessary in stanza 2? A comma after air may suffice for one of them.



I think you could strike the ‘I guess, because’ and ‘coldly’ from stanza 3, lines 3 and 4, 

perhaps even ‘the’ before glass. What about: ‘..spoke too soon, mercury sank back into glass. 


Again, why not simply: ‘…rain became needles, trees thread, threatening to sew winter…’ 




‘…retreated into’ would work better. ‘…retreated back into’ is redundant.




I hope you find some ideas for your next edit herein. Good luck with it./Chris