frostbite

[billy]

i'm back. after a few more reads i still think it's a good piece with possibly a couple of nits, but they're really arbitrary one. for me the extended metaphor works well and i know (because i showed it someone not of the site that it also worked for some who haven't been winterized or really cold. (most have seen tv winters.)
as the reader i was capable of seeing the poem through the 1st person's eyes so no trouble there. it was image rich and originally written. most of the points i made are as i said, arbitrary. whether used of not i hope they help. loved the poem

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city April, thouh i do see you're aiming for minimalism which is also okay
in long fingernail scratches would [with] work better than [in]?
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves is [and] needed?
of houses eager to open their doors
good opening stanza. great images of the title, a couple of (possibly) excess word use. i'm used to april being the end of spring so it also gives me an idea of a colder place than where i live.

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring another image that works well by allowing the reader to see through your eyes.
just trying to hurry things along, i guess is [i guess] needed?
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition a question here has to be [why]

i stepped out, leaned forward i like the half refrain. it doesn't seem trite.
and spoke
too soon, i guess this [i guess] also adds little
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky i think this is my fave two lines. it makes the sky seem like a patchwork quilt.
and the air retreated back is [back] needed? things seldom stand still or go forward/sideways/up/down when retreating, ask any Italian soldier. i suppose it could be returning to a previous state of being but for me it does little.
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily i like how the end plays back into the open chest and the wasted bravery shown.