frostbite

[71degrees]

Looking for feedback - hoping to find out if the underlying metaphor actually comes through or not...


frostbite

april cut into the city
in long fingernail scratches
of running water and suddenly brown gardens
and the air fell heavy onto the eaves
of houses eager to open their doors

i stepped out and spoke
into a space filled with spring
just trying to hurry things along, i guess
trying to warm the air
trying to clear the path
trying to make some sense of this transition

i stepped out, leaned forward
and spoke
too soon, i guess
because the mercury sank coldly back into the glass
and the rain became needles, the trees thread
threatening to sew winter back into the sky
and the air retreated back
into a dull winter chill
as if afraid of my open chest
displaying december's frostbite
and january's cold words

and i apologized silently
to the city and myself
for thinking winter could be defeated so easily

Almost wish you hadn't asked for comments directed toward the "underlying" metaphor but since is here was wondering about all the "and's" and the "I guess" lines.  I think honestly for a person to truly understand your metaphor, they must have experienced the winter of which you speak.  I grew up in Wisconsin.  Frostbite was ever part of our lives, both as a child and into adult life.  Nothing to sneeze at and people who chose to live dangerously, often lost toes or tips or fingers. A metaphor must match the experience of the comparison.  Does yours?  Not sure….I agree w/the call for a more serious workshop.