Flight

[Truerenigma]

Lots of room for interpretation on different levels.

I haven't read the other critiques, but this has appeal to me on a psychological and spiritual level, the linking of arms is key to how I read it, as is the diving upward and glimpse of what true freedom could be.

Reminded me of "The Woman Who Walked on Water", a short book by Lily Tuck, which I may reread.

Thanks.

Thanks for reading and commenting, beaufort. It is good to see you on the boards again. I may have to read that book myself.

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Hi, milo. I can't put off my critique any longer because I am dying to read all the comments and your responses. Here are a few notes.

It is the lie of birds that you need wings,
the lie of time that gravity
brings you to the ground, presses
like a pillow against your face;
soft, unbreakable.
The first line grabs me and the explanation works, just. I don't think of gravity as so gentle, but it's an interesting idea. Gravity and ground work well with the space between them. The semicolon seems off.

The clouds of summer call
like cold salt-cream, but wait
till autumn forms
as long striated runways in the sky,
then climb
Cold salt-cream and striated runways are lovely. The but seems off, maybe you could drop it if the opening "the" was changed to "though", or something better that you will think of.

higher than the jealous, root-bound
trees can stretch their branches,
hooked and bare like knuckled grasps.
Go to where the cliffs tower,
where the sea crashes far below and mists
up in a howl of billows, the pale blue
of a loose night shirt.
I can't get why knuckled grasps are bare, howl of billows is lovely.

Link arms and dive
upwards till the sound of surf,
breaking bones on rocks,
dissolves in white-noise static.
Twist through the clouds
in their spectre-gray grave linens
to where the oxygen is rare
spun candy on your tongue,
cast off earth-heavy thoughts,
close your eyes
and fly.
I like dive upwards and twist through the clouds. White-static noise is a bit cliche.
I don't think spectre-gray grave lines justifies an exception to avoiding consonant slide. Grave linens are better than shrouds, maybe you can do something about the gray, attaching it to spectre didn't smooth out the sound for me.
I like the oxygen/spun candy, earth-heavy is a bit common.

Thanks for posting this, a consistently enjoyable read. The sonics and the idea suit each other, yes, a flight.

Thanks for reading, ella. I was wondering if you would pop in to comment on the consonant slide alliteration. I have been searching for an alternative for some time now. You are correct about white-static noise, i will have to see if I can refer to the sound without it coming off as cliche.

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milo I may try and come come back with adequate crit.

I just wanted to say I love the night shirt, and have no problems with the second person address, it makes me feel that I understand the poem and it is speaking to me, but then I read poems very slowly so switch wasn't very jarring.

though I disagree with some of the reasoning behind it, I agree that the article to start s2 should probably go. I see no need for it.

Something about it is compelling: the battle in the subtext between rational and irrational I suppose, and the way it lets the reader decide whether or not there's anything to stop us from taking the dive.

Thanks for the poem.

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I should add that I found some of the referant argumentsa bit overt for my taste, but then they are things that I like to think about when reading poems, so I don't know if that's really a bad thing, and others might find it more subtle. forgive my poor articulation here.

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meh thinking about it, omitting the article in s2 might be overly expansive. come to think of it btw, wouldn't summer clouds be better than clouds of summer?

Thanks for reading and commenting, true.

Yes, I thought quite a bit over "clouds of summer". As I am sure i have mentioned before, any abstract "of" construction comes across as a bit overt and I am generally the one to complain about them so i really have no excuse here. Other than the meter of course and the deliberate avoidance of the alliteration which tends to sound rather ugly here. Still, I should at least try it the other way.

The summer clouds call

The clouds of summer call

yeah, I understand completely and of course I remember you saying it somewhere a hundred times over, it's one of many sample comments that I draw from when writing my own poems with a critical eye, and I agree is a tough choice - I'm sure glad I'm not the one who has to make it. I don't like the alliteration or the rhythm without of either, if I were you I would probably, erm, excuse me here, dig a little deeper. (I think I just through up a little in my mouth.)

It's a fine poem btw, and all this is just tuning and might be nit picky. (though It may be useful to think about if something comes if it.)