Diana

[cjchaffin]

I paint her in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile

but she does anyway.

[Todd]

Hi, I've had my ipad crash and lose this crit twice so far. So forgive me if this comes off terse at points. I feel like I'm racing to hit submit.

I feel like your last three lines present a payoff that is worth going for, and one that can be developed. The main challenge with this poem is getting through the buildup.

Line comments below:

I paint her in summer sun,--I think summer sun is on the cliche line. Even if we give it a pass though it adds nothing. It's a throwaway modifier. You have August a few lines below, something more interesting than summer here
the midday breeze caressing--this is a bit at odds with the warm fingers line below.
Diana’s proud breasts,--while this line plays of the previous line break, proud breasts is a bit cliche. The main issue with it though is that you're using a modifier as shorthand for something that should probably be handled by concise imagery
warm fingers of August heat--heat is unneeded. Nice phrasing with the rest of the line
tracing circles over taut flesh.--trace might be stronger.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin--alabaster skin is extremely overused cliche
dimpled with shades of barest pink;--good phrasing here
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.--find a way to show mischief or simply cut the last too words as they are too telling
I ask her not to smile--I like the strophe break

but she does anyway.

I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[cjchaffin]

Hi, I've had my ipad crash and lose this crit twice so far. So forgive me if this comes off terse at points. I feel like I'm racing to hit submit.

I feel like your last three lines present a payoff that is worth going for, and one that can be developed. The main challenge with this poem is getting through the buildup.

Line comments below:

I paint her in summer sun,--I think summer sun is on the cliche line. Even if we give it a pass though it adds nothing. It's a throwaway modifier. You have August a few lines below, something more interesting than summer here
the midday breeze caressing--this is a bit at odds with the warm fingers line below.
Diana’s proud breasts,--while this line plays of the previous line break, proud breasts is a bit cliche. The main issue with it though is that you're using a modifier as shorthand for something that should probably be handled by concise imagery
warm fingers of August heat--heat is unneeded. Nice phrasing with the rest of the line
tracing circles over taut flesh.--trace might be stronger.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin--alabaster skin is extremely overused cliche
dimpled with shades of barest pink;--good phrasing here
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.--find a way to show mischief or simply cut the last too words as they are too telling
I ask her not to smile--I like the strophe break

but she does anyway.

I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

todd, no need to apologize. i like honesty, so please always feel free to hit hard with critique.

and i think you're spot-on with some of your suggestions. i've always felt that the last section was the strongest and the buildup was weak, that's why i posted it here to get some ideas for restructuring.

wonderful critique...thank you so much again.

[bena]

I agree with much of what Todd has said, although I might be tempted to keep summer sun (even if borderline cliché) because it exudes wonderful assonance and alliteration. L9 could use more show and less tell. I do love the ending because we women rarely do as we are asked =)

mel.

[Erthona]

Hi CJ,

As Todd has already done a line by line, I think I shall refrain. I have not read Todd's comments so as not to prejudice the poem/critique.

This poem seems to have some major flaws. The intro, which should be one of the strongest parts of the poem, comes off as though taken from a Romance Novel (I'm assuming I do not need to explicate that). When I read it, if I were reading it simple as a poem that had come my way, I would have stopped reading after the first stanza if not before. It is only the fact that I am reading it in order to do a critique that I progressed further.

The second stanza is better as it at least drops the triteness of the first stanza. Still it has a different flaw, as it acts as though either the painting has come alive, or the model is being effected by the brush strokes on the painting, e.g.,

"she is aroused, and I am nervous."

Who is the she? The painting or the model? As one would assume that the brush is touching the painting and not the model, either is inconsistent with what you state, i.e, that is that the "brushstrokes" are exciting the painting, which is not possible, at least not in this world, or the "brushstrokes" are exciting the model without touching her, which also is not usually possible. For either to be possible you would need to move the setting into some kind of realm, or fantasy world, where such things are possible, or create a special state in this one where such things are possible. You have done neither.

"her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—"

Also the em dash seems a tad ad hoc. It doesn't seem as though the line it is with is parenthetical.

If I wanted to be picky I would comment on:

"Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin"

How can brush strokes mimic skin?

But I'll let that pass.
_____________________________________________________

The last three lines I have little problem with, as they come across as in the moment and genuine. Despite that, they cannot salvage this poem, as I think either only the careless reader would make it that far, or an observant reader would abandon the poem before they reached the end. I say this not to criticize, but to give context for the critique. If a poem is written in such a way as to cause the reader to stop reading, either momentarily or complete, those items are obviously harmful to the poem.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[cjchaffin]

I agree with much of what Todd has said, although I might be tempted to keep summer sun (even if borderline cliché) because it exudes wonderful assonance and alliteration. L9 could use more show and less tell. I do love the ending because we women rarely do as we are asked =)

mel.

haha! thanks mel. resistance is not futile, it's essential!

---

Hi CJ,

As Todd has already done a line by line, I think I shall refrain. I have not read Todd's comments so as not to prejudice the poem/critique.

This poem seems to have some major flaws. The intro, which should be one of the strongest parts of the poem, comes off as though taken from a Romance Novel (I'm assuming I do not need to explicate that). When I read it, if I were reading it simple as a poem that had come my way, I would have stopped reading after the first stanza if not before. It is only the fact that I am reading it in order to do a critique that I progressed further.

The second stanza is better as it at least drops the triteness of the first stanza. Still it has a different flaw, as it acts as though either the painting has come alive, or the model is being effected by the brush strokes on the painting, e.g.,

"she is aroused, and I am nervous."

Who is the she? The painting or the model? As one would assume that the brush is touching the painting and not the model, either is inconsistent with what you state, i.e, that is that the "brushstrokes" are exciting the painting, which is not possible, at least not in this world, or the "brushstrokes" are exciting the model without touching her, which also is not usually possible. For either to be possible you would need to move the setting into some kind of realm, or fantasy world, where such things are possible, or create a special state in this one where such things are possible. You have done neither.

"her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—"

Also the em dash seems a tad ad hoc. It doesn't seem as though the line it is with is parenthetical.

If I wanted to be picky I would comment on:

"Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin"

How can brush strokes mimic skin?

But I'll let that pass.
_____________________________________________________

The last three lines I have little problem with, as they come across as in the moment and genuine. Despite that, they cannot salvage this poem, as I think either only the careless reader would make it that far, or an observant reader would abandon the poem before they reached the end. I say this not to criticize, but to give context for the critique. If a poem is written in such a way as to cause the reader to stop reading, either momentarily or complete, those items are obviously harmful to the poem.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

dale, thank you for the welcome, and for the keen eye.
i've got some work to do here and your observations
are just what i need to give me some perspective and direction.
i am most grateful.

chris

[danny_]

I paint her in summer sun, i like the warm opening. if you don't want to say summer and then August later, just as a small point, you could say simply 'in the sun' or somesuch, without losing anything
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh. simple, nice strophe.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin the word mimic i understand as i was an interior home painter for many years and we did use that word for paint sometimes, but here it trips me because brushstrokes in themselves don't really mimic skin, since it would more likely be the absence of visible strokes in order to get a good skin texture. that's how it flashed on me, anyway
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous. i like this these lines. it's straightforward which works for me. otherwise you might consider showing how you are nervous. you keep pausing to sip from a condensating glass of icewater or something

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile

but she does anyway. i like the line break, very nice ending.

overall i like it, and also feel it could take us even closer to this warm summer moment if you went a little deeper with it. that's kinda vague but, well it tickles my imagination and think it could even be painted out a little more with the connection between the painter and model and the feelings going on as expressed by their actions.

that's my honest bit there. thank you for sharing.

[cjchaffin]

thank you danny, i'm grateful for the ideas. i'm gonna shelve this one for a bit and think on it, but i'll return with an edit before long.

greatly appreciate your time.

[Brownlie]

I paint her in summer sun,- this seems somewhat unnatural I would say in the simmer sun, and the sibilants could be replaced by more descriptive words.
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat - summer and August May be redundant but August heat is not a bad phrase with the idea of pride in there.
tracing circles over taut flesh.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile

but she does anyway.

A feminist, or a female reader of poetry might be abhorred at how you've reduced Diana. However, there is some pretty good language here. Maybe she can wield a flail or something and brandish it at this hopeful guy.

[billy]

not bad but a bit more depth wouldn't go amiss. if you move the opening cliche down it wil give the poem more strength.
thanks for the read.

I paint her in summer sun, a suggest would be under, of course you could be using sunlight as a colour but i suspect not. another suggestion would be to make [the midday breeze caressing] the first line and the first line the after [Diana’s proud breasts,]
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts, i'd suggest a period here; proud breast is a pretty common phrase.
warm fingers of August heat no need for heat or no need for wam, personally i'd forgo warm as it's a little weaker.
tracing circles over taut flesh.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin a suggestion would be impart instead of mimic.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within— i'd place this dash at the end of the stanza for tension.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile feels very mundane, i wonder if she could be rebuked by an action a painter may make with his brush. example: [i rebuked her with a flick of vermillion]

but she does anyway.

[crow]

This is mostly amplifying billy's comments, which have a back-to-basics flavor to my mind. I'll proofread it first, then I'll give a line-by, but the macro is what I'm most interested in.

Proofer's edit:

[Diana]
--please put the title above the poem in the actual post. Otw, it gets missed.

I paint [Diana] in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
[her] proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--IMPORTANT: you've got an ambiguity that runs throughout this poem, and I'd bet a dollar it's intentional. Heresit: you want the act of painting and the act of touching to merge. Problematically, this works as a simile, but confuses as a metaphor. That is, if the brush "like warm fingers" traces, I understand. But if the "warm fingers" that trace are, by metaphor, the brush, I get super lost.
--On a personal note, this might be the first time I've ever understood the utility of similes. Cool.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin[,]
--"mimic" is wrong. Either the depositions of the strokes mimic the color of skin or else, as above, the strokes are mimicking touching the skin.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--"dimpled" is wrong. You want either "mottled" or one of its synonyms.
--the semi is wrong. You want a period. Why? The sentences are not twin in any way. Rather, the sentence following the semi carries through with the notion of increasing arousal.
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--needs a color word to carry the sequence. the move from alabaster to pink to "fires" doesn't work.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--the ", and" is wrong. It doesn't seem so at first, but look again. Building the sentence in this way attributes your nervousness to her blushing. That is, she is blushing both because she is aroused and you are nervous.
----There are ways of parsing the sentence that invalidate this comment, BUT here again, we're into the problem of the artist painting. That is, it is plausible that your nervousness alone is causing you to paint the blush where none exists.
----NOTE: that latter possibility is a FAR MORE INTERESTING read. If you were to look up from the aroused, blushing portrait to see your model remaining pale--that'd be cool.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--prefer "with" to "in"
I ask her not to smile[,]

but she does anyway.
--sequence problem here. Does she smile because you ask her not to--that is, after the request--or was I supposed to understand that the narrowed eyes imply smiling?

[crow]

Copyedit [line-by substantive edit]

[Diana]
--Names in poem's contribute to the poem's depth. This name will reference to the huntress to most readers. But the nothing follows through. The name is, tf, a miscue.

I paint her in summer sun,
--from a proofer's point of view, the problem is the pronoun-antecedent flip. A copyeditor's problem is more serious.
----previous readers understood that there was a painter, a model, and a painting. But there's nothing to suggest that. As written, you're painting on a person. SPECIFICALLY: there is NO EVIDENCE that this scene contains (1) a canvas or (2) paint. That might be cool, EXCEPT it contains a brush. That's maddeningly confusing to me.

the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--recast all of the above in active verb tenses. Gerunds=bad.
----most problematically, the lines "warm fingers of August heat / tracing circles over taut flesh" are almost indecipherable. Is the heat tracing? Is August heating tracing circles? It's intuitive that warm fingers are tracing circles, but that's impossible, because they're doing it "over" and not "on" or "upon," and, more to the point
------there's a rule of construction that commands a reader to assume the author had all possible versions of a writing available. That means, here, I must assume that you decided against the "plainspoken" version of the thought. That is, you can't have meant "warm fingers trace circles on taut flesh," because that version was available to you, and you opted against it.
--------That means I'm absolutely at a loss as to your meaning here.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
--as stated in the proofer's marks, gestures (which is what brushstrokes are) can't mimic colors. At least, it is hard to imagine them doing so here.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--the phrase "barest pink" is nonsensical
--again, the gesture (here, "dimpled") can't be done with a color
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--the literal construction here is that she had something burning in her mouth
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--I can't understand what your nerves have to do with anything. How do they connect?

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--"The model's" is what Bernstein called, sarcastically, "elegant variation." There seems to be no reason to use "The model's" instead of "her." The fact that you did confuses me. I start wondering if there are two women.
----THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE here, given the fact that most readers will believe there is (1) a model and (2) a painting of that model.
I ask her not to smile
--SUPER IMPORTANT. WHY?

but she does anyway.
--Again, WHY?

[crow]

MACRO on "Diana"

cjchaffin,

There's a helluva poem here, but you have to make some decisions.

Actors
First, is there a painting? If so, is that painting personified? In sum, is this a poem about something erotic or about eroticism? Second, are there brushes and paint? If so, what role do they play? Are they mimicking? Are they standing in for hands and fingers? Are they physical or imagined? Third, is the model aware of you? Nothing in the poem suggests that she is. In fact, the final stanza suggests THE OPPOSITE. If your model doesn't do what you asked, that makes it more likely that she didn't hear you than that she is defying you. The fact that your request isn't quoted reinforces the idea that you thought "don't smile" but did not say it.

Effect
What effect are you trying to achieve? I'm going to convey the facts of your poem in as few words as possible.

"I paint her. She blushes. I get nervous. She smiles even though I asked her not to." In any revision, you get 17 words that you can use for something besides generating an effect.

What effect is it that you want? Surprise? Delight? Embarrassment? Disgust? Bemusement? Right now, it is entirely unclear.

Shape
What are your events and in what order do you want them? Should she be right-away naked? When should you get nervous? Should you start in the field or somewhere else? There's a summer in the poem, and there's the barest suggestion of winter (alabaster skin is a wintertime characteristic). Would the poem be better served by a winter? If so, does it come first or last? Right now, you end with her disobeying you. Why is it important for that to go last? Was she under your sway earlier? What changed? When did it change?

Really go for it with this one. There's something truly magnificent in it, if you can shake it free.

All the best,

crow

[crow]

Just a point of interest, you might notice the incredibly profound role that the word "brushstrokes" has. It's really really interesting, that.

[cjchaffin]

I paint her in summer sun,- this seems somewhat unnatural I would say in the simmer sun, and the sibilants could be replaced by more descriptive words.
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat - summer and August May be redundant but August heat is not a bad phrase with the idea of pride in there.
tracing circles over taut flesh.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile

but she does anyway.

A feminist, or a female reader of poetry might be abhorred at how you've reduced Diana. However, there is some pretty good language here. Maybe she can wield a flail or something and brandish it at this hopeful guy.

thank you Brownlie. i appreciate your honesty. 

[cjchaffin]

not bad but a bit more depth wouldn't go amiss. if you move the opening cliche down it wil give the poem more strength.
thanks for the read.

I paint her in summer sun, a suggest would be under, of course you could be using sunlight as a colour but i suspect not. another suggestion would be to make [the midday breeze caressing] the first line and the first line the after [Diana’s proud breasts,]
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts, i'd suggest a period here; proud breast is a pretty common phrase.
warm fingers of August heat no need for heat or no need for wam, personally i'd forgo warm as it's a little weaker.
tracing circles over taut flesh.

Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin a suggestion would be impart instead of mimic.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within— i'd place this dash at the end of the stanza for tension.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.

The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile feels very mundane, i wonder if she could be rebuked by an action a painter may make with his brush. example: [i rebuked her with a flick of vermillion]

but she does anyway.

great ideas, billy. i'm reworking the entire thing at this point, so i will take your suggestions and play with them a bit. thanks for showing an interest in this.

[cjchaffin]

Just a point of interest, you might notice the incredibly profound role that the word "brushstrokes" has. It's really really interesting, that.

thank you thank you thank you, crow. you always seem to be able to pinpoint exactly what it is i struggle with in my writing. your play-by-play analyses are just what i need to jumpstart this poor thing and give it some much-needed life. i'm grateful for the in-depth read, it really does help a lot to have that line by line breakdown. 

[crow]

You're very welcome!