Since this is Mild, let me suggest a way to see your poem differently before a true rewrite:
Strip out every adjective and adverb which only serves as a shorthand tag.
So L1 would be dusk
L2 the sun would no longer be enormous.
Now hold the original next to the new version and say is there a better noun or verb that carries this idea? Is there an image I can develop? Is it simply better pared down?
These thoughts form the rewrite.
See if this helps you.
Best,
Todd
Strip out every adjective and adverb which only serves as a shorthand tag.
So L1 would be dusk
L2 the sun would no longer be enormous.
Now hold the original next to the new version and say is there a better noun or verb that carries this idea? Is there an image I can develop? Is it simply better pared down?
These thoughts form the rewrite.
See if this helps you.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson