Small Things

[danny_]

Revision 2:
Black shutter opens the scene:
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans,
an iridescent carapace purple-green
in the macro lens-reflected light.
Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs.
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

[ellajam]

Hi, danny. Interesting, here are a few notes.

Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static. Because static also means still it didn't work for me here.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller Smaller being seems too vague in such a specific poem.
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to Maybe a comma instead of "to".
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists I'm not sure you need this line.
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.
The breaks in the last 5 lines seem off, and maybe cut agile and/or infectious.

Fun read, thanks for posting it.

[billy]

hi danny, the close up you write of needs a fair bit of work. the enjambment feels to forced and makes the reader stop when they should be continuing.
you can add or make certain words stronger. like (TV static) the use of a modifier adds more depth. for the most part you're telling us. (closer still we are) is yoda there as well? don't use inversion. it doesn't help

Film frames rapidly this line on it's own makes no sense.
Film frames rapidly step...this does
closer to the scene of dragonfly
wings buzzing like static

step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs. what smaller being/ show us what it is.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

[danny_]

thanks for your replies. it just came out this way first time around. the breaks felt right when i wrote it. but your replies helped me see the need to pay attention in general to my line breaks. i'm sure a lot of my work could use a second look in that regard.

"Closer still we are shuttered inward" - that works for me, but it may be the line break again that messes it up.

interesting about "static." i'll ask a few others i know what they think. it should be understood as a sound or even the sensation of static electricity.

[tectak]

Film frames rapidly Not sure about "rapidly" as it is not a function of the motion picture using "frames" to influence the speed of replay unless we deliberately speed up the replay or as is more likely, slow down the recording (fps) rate. I don't think you want the ins and outs if technicalities in this piece so it is probably a misplaced metaphor. The enjambment after "rapidly" is the antithesis if what you are trying to express.".....rapidly...hold it....wait for it...hold it..ahhh
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static. Hmm. Again, I know what you mean (and that should be enough) but "static", even when referring to electricity means just that...still. The "buzz" you refer to is that of man-generated electricity which is buzzing because it is generated by alternating magnetic fields cycling 50 or 60 times per second. It is not static by any definition. Best to leave the esoteric stuff out of good, wholesome work...especially buzz words
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled Here we go again. What is lens light? I know what you mean but it is not correct out of the poems context...and enjamb on the principle verb is just asking to raise hackles. What purpose?
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to No no. Enough already. What do you mean? Shuttered inward? Zoomed in, a lens focal length function. Nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with shutters. You risk being called a dillettante...distractions like enjambing on "to" doesn't hide it.
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet; How is colonizing like a planet? Like life forms on a planet. Similes MUST match.
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving Name one infectious spider. You mean venomous. Dreadfully precipitous ending. I almost fell of my pedestal...but not quite.
too fast for the eye.

Hi danny,
I know this is poetry but the science is all to pot...you started it. If you want to write convincingly good poetry, stick to poetry. You may fool your mum but it won't get you credit in this forum for wool over eyes, pulling of.
Nice try but the poetic content is sadly second place to the dire science. You have a choice. Remove the science or improve the poetry. I favour the latter.
Begin by
using sensible
enjamb
ment.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

static is a soundless noise of the universe that manifests itself in radio signals. it's also called white noise. static electricity is something completely different. the idea is to make the mundane 'pop' in the readers head and hold them for the whole poem.


Closer still we are shuttered inward

there is no closer still, only 'closer' still is redundant. it's also feels mundane, you can always make better word use in order to stop it being so.
the terminology for closer still is 'zooming in'

what does shutter inward mean, it feels like you're taking a real image yet trying to make it a metaphor. do one or the other.

hope that helps (they're just suggestions to mull over. )

finally make sure it's a person whose a reasonable, if not a good poet and not a close friend, close friends lie so as not to hurt someone. unless they're reasonable poets themselves it would be like asking the window cleaner to perform brain surgery. (it's why the workshop's here)

[danny_]

dang guys, can't deny some of these crits. i have posted a revision. here is some analyzing what happened in the first place:

"shuttered inward" was an abstract way of saying that the next photo frames step closer and closer. i know that shutter is the length of time the lens is open to let light in. it is also the only thing responsible for a final image. so i'm thinking it came out as the change of a noun to a verb, shutter to shuttered. i looked it up and apparently it's called verbing. my brain must have done that to try to say as much as possible with fewest words. but then it's true that it doesn't quite go with the rest of the poem which seems to be more of a movie than still frames.

thanks again all

[billy]

you'e done a great edit so far danny. i'd suggest at least one more, you can still prune some more. the first line is much better though the second line could be less and therefore more

Black shutter opens the scene;
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans.

the above and below are suggestions for you to play around with or discard as you see fit. use something similar where you think it may help.
good stuff so far.

Revision:
Black shutter opens
to the scene of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans this is a good attempt at the simile i mention and works much better. it's something the reader can visualize.
His iridescent carapace is purple-green no need to say [him] [an] would make it more natural. [is purple green ] is sort of obvious as it means shining with many different colours. if you do want to use it try[ a purple-green] only use what you need to and leave some of the work to the reader.
in the macro lens-reflected light

Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

[danny_]

(2nd revision at top)
i'm pleasantly surprised how this poem has improved. i see the value of the forum. thanks for your feedback. i feel i've reached a point i might allow even harder crits because i see not just the advantage for the poem but for my mind as the writer.

now honestly this little poem could ditch the switch to the micro-organisms and continue on with that dragonfly and his lunch, or just stop to be short and sweet. right now it's this two-part thing which works but each part could probably be painted out into separate works.

thanks again billy

you'e done a great edit so far danny. i'd suggest at least one more, you can still prune some more. the first line is much better though the second line could be less and therefore more

Black shutter opens the scene;
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans.

the above and below are suggestions for you to play around with or discard as you see fit. use something similar where you think it may help.
good stuff so far.

Revision:
Black shutter opens
to the scene of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans this is a good attempt at the simile i mention and works much better. it's something the reader can visualize.
His iridescent carapace is purple-green no need to say [him] [an] would make it more natural. [is purple green ] is sort of obvious as it means shining with many different colours. if you do want to use it try[ a purple-green] only use what you need to and leave some of the work to the reader.
in the macro lens-reflected light

Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

[danny_]

thank you for your comments, bergamatt. i often write of misc small things, as i love macro photography, and like to try putting some of those close-ups into words if i can. there is no greater meaning, unfortunately, but i would agree it's better when a poem does have it.

[ajcohen613]

Revision 2:
Black shutter opens the scene:
a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like blurred fans,
an iridescent carapace purple-green
in the macro lens-reflected light.
Bristled with sparse whiskers
he penetrates the inferior
fly with his fangs.
Closer we are drawn,
inward to micro-organisms
colonizing his body like countless
lifeforms on a planet;
a chaos of larvae and their predators.
Fat white worms cannot escape
agile spiders moving
too fast for the eye. /as a general note, this poem seems overly busy. Some of the language seems a little too chockfull for me. For example, "Black shutter opens the scene:a dragonfly's wings buzzing like blurred fans,an iridescent carapace purple-green in the macro lens-reflected light" seems a tad bloated with description, especially for an opening. Try simplifying things. I'd give you an example of how to do so, but I'm rather tired. Just work with it, you have something here.

Original:
Film frames rapidly
step us closer to the scene
of a dragonfly's wings
buzzing like static.
His iridescent carapace
is purple-green in the macro
lens light. Bristled
with sparse whiskers,
he penetrates a smaller
being with his fangs.
Closer still we are
shuttered inward to
micro-organisms colonizing
his body like a planet;
a place where there exists
a chaos of larvae and
their predators. Fat white
worms cannot escape agile
infectious spiders moving
too fast for the eye.

[danny_]

thank you ajcohen613, i appreciate your comments.

as a general note, this poem seems overly busy. Some of the language seems a little too chockfull for me. For example, "Black shutter opens the scene:a dragonfly's wings buzzing like blurred fans,an iridescent carapace purple-green in the macro lens-reflected light" seems a tad bloated with description, especially for an opening. Try simplifying things. I'd give you an example of how to do so, but I'm rather tired. Just work with it, you have something here.