cherry blossoms

[cjchaffin]

Just some quick edits for clarity and a smoother line. I understand your wanting to indicate the passage of time, but I think that is implied by what is occurring

"Cherry blossom sheds
pink snowflakes that
litter my front lawn

melting away
under the eye
of the summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit"


dale

This is lovely. The last two lines are so vibrant. S2 is where it weighs down for me. Great opening, great closing...the middle a bit of a delay...not awful but here's a thought. How about replace s2 with a line, maybe something like

to melt under summer sun

If you chose to do something like that. I'd still keep 3 strophes just make s2 a single line.

Again just a thought.

Best,

Todd

Dale, Todd:

thank you both for taking the time to critique. you both raise very valid points and i really want this piece to shine. i'm going to be posting a basic edit as well as a couple simplified versions perhaps, just to see which works (basically, short poem vs. haiku-esque)

again, your input is greatly appreciated. thanks for the keen eye(s)