pink snowflakes
litter my front lawn

they will melt away
under the watchful eye
of a summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit

Hi, this is lovely. I think there are many ways you can condense this if you choose to. One that came to mind is

May's pink flakes
under summer sun
leave only a stone

That may be too obscure when I already have your cherry blossoms in my mind, but you may be able to drop surrounded by fruit because a pit is also called a stone. Just a thought, enjoyed your poem.

(09-05-2014, 01:08 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  pink snowflakes
litter my front lawn

they will melt away
under the watchful eye
of a summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit

thank you, miss ella. i think i might try a few pared down versions out and test them here as edits, see if i can't make a more concise image. glad you enjoyed.

(09-05-2014, 01:08 PM)cjchaffin Wrote:  pink snowflakes
litter my front lawn

they will melt away
under the watchful eye
of a summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit

I liked the fact that this poem is devoted to one image and it is a fine imagist poem. And it gives a lot of options for condensed versions which you can try out.

thank you tamara. and i agree, will try and drum up a few shorter versions to post here and get some feedback on.

Just some quick edits for clarity and a smoother line. I understand your wanting to indicate the passage of time, but I think that is implied by what is occurring

"Cherry blossom sheds
pink snowflakes that
litter my front lawn

melting away
under the eye
of the summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit"


dale

This is lovely. The last two lines are so vibrant. S2 is where it weighs down for me. Great opening, great closing...the middle a bit of a delay...not awful but here's a thought. How about replace s2 with a line, maybe something like

to melt under summer sun

If you chose to do something like that. I'd still keep 3 strophes just make s2 a single line.

Again just a thought.

Best,

Todd

(09-07-2014, 11:38 AM)Erthona Wrote:  Just some quick edits for clarity and a smoother line. I understand your wanting to indicate the passage of time, but I think that is implied by what is occurring

"Cherry blossom sheds
pink snowflakes that
litter my front lawn

melting away
under the eye
of the summer sun

leaving only a stone
surrounded by fruit"


dale

(09-07-2014, 12:15 PM)Todd Wrote:  This is lovely. The last two lines are so vibrant. S2 is where it weighs down for me. Great opening, great closing...the middle a bit of a delay...not awful but here's a thought. How about replace s2 with a line, maybe something like

to melt under summer sun

If you chose to do something like that. I'd still keep 3 strophes just make s2 a single line.

Again just a thought.

Best,

Todd

Dale, Todd:

thank you both for taking the time to critique. you both raise very valid points and i really want this piece to shine. i'm going to be posting a basic edit as well as a couple simplified versions perhaps, just to see which works (basically, short poem vs. haiku-esque)

again, your input is greatly appreciated. thanks for the keen eye(s)

(09-07-2014, 03:58 PM)jaysky Wrote:  I like it. Short but good if extended could be better. Good job

This is not valid crit.
Mod

with a short poem such as this, brevity is the order of the day. say it in as few words as is possible

(09-07-2014, 04:57 PM)billy Wrote:  with a short poem such as this, brevity is the order of the day. say it in as few words as is possible

you are absolutely correct, billy. i'm working on a shorter edit to post. thanks.