09-04-2014, 12:37 PM
First, I never think you should apologize/feel bad about writing a poem that describes sadness and struggle. It's a human condition. Sad poems are needed just like every other type of poem. So, thanks for sharing your heart with us. That's brave.
Someone had mentioned that they enjoy the line, "Objects in mirror are farther than they appear." I understand why you wrote this, but it doesn't work for me personally. It breaks my concentration because it makes me think, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." Instead of making me think, "Oh, that' cleaver!" I think it's necessary that you have a line that means the same thing but worded differently.
Also, it read as though there were two different trains of thought happening. Which, there were, because you explained that this poem describes some family troubles and the search for your calling. I don't think it's a bad thing that both of those issues are examined, but I do think the writing needs to be structured in a way that makes that flow easier. Perhaps creating different line breaks? That's what I was thinking as I was reading- something to signal to the viewer that you're talking about a different struggle now. Again, thanks for sharing!
Someone had mentioned that they enjoy the line, "Objects in mirror are farther than they appear." I understand why you wrote this, but it doesn't work for me personally. It breaks my concentration because it makes me think, "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." Instead of making me think, "Oh, that' cleaver!" I think it's necessary that you have a line that means the same thing but worded differently.
Also, it read as though there were two different trains of thought happening. Which, there were, because you explained that this poem describes some family troubles and the search for your calling. I don't think it's a bad thing that both of those issues are examined, but I do think the writing needs to be structured in a way that makes that flow easier. Perhaps creating different line breaks? That's what I was thinking as I was reading- something to signal to the viewer that you're talking about a different struggle now. Again, thanks for sharing!