From the frying pan into the fatty.

[mrmod]

good effort. though the last verse sounds a bit forced.

in the 1st verse, would swirl work better than shake?

not sure if the last line is needed in the 2nd stanza.

in the 3rd, would splash it in work better?



i'd try and make the last verse less catchy, less cheeky.

Swirl would be better thanks.

See, i tried to make them 4 lines per stanza. If it doesn't flow well maybe I should replace it with something else. What do you think?

And the last verse. Less cheeky o.O? How? And it's not meant to be a serious poem. I like poetry with a touch of humour .

sorry sd

I'll take that in a good way .