Pour the oil
Heat it up
Shake it around
the frying pan
Bacon goes first
Hear it sizzle
Perfect and crisp
Into the bun.
Rip open
The sausage pack
Fling'em in
And watch them swell
Break the egg
And splash it on
From clear to white
Sunny side up.
It's time to eat
And forget and be glad.
For when you finish
The dishes await you, lad.
Go easy on me guys, this is my first one in this section. A bit of an ode to the fry up but I just felt like it. This is the rough unpolished version and by no means a diamond in the rough. So give me some feedback, please 
.
we have to go easy on yer dan, it's the mild critique forum.
good effort. though the last verse sounds a bit forced.
in the 1st verse, would swirl work better than shake?
not sure if the last line is needed in the 2nd stanza.
in the 3rd, would splash it in work better?
i'd try and make the last verse less catchy, less cheeky.
all in all i really like it. good effort, hope we see some more off you
yeah dude sorry man..good to see ya have a sense of humour
(03-31-2010, 12:55 AM)SidewaysDan Wrote: [ -> ][quote='billy' pid='17173' dateline='1269957955']
good effort. though the last verse sounds a bit forced.
in the 1st verse, would swirl work better than shake?
not sure if the last line is needed in the 2nd stanza.
in the 3rd, would splash it in work better?
i'd try and make the last verse less catchy, less cheeky.
Swirl would be better thanks.
See, i tried to make them 4 lines per stanza. If it doesn't flow well maybe I should replace it with something else. What do you think?
And the last verse. Less cheeky o.O? How? And it's not meant to be a serious poem. I like poetry with a touch of humour
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in the main the poem feels like it works.
the last verse feels like an add on to end it.
it would be better if it was in the same easy feel as the rest of it.
it can be funny by all means dan.
nothing stops you changing the last line of the 2nd verse. for me it doesn't really work because of the bun. silly i know but i'm just being honest.
lets have a look at the last verse;
It's time to eat
And forget and be glad. two ands make it mmmm
For when you finish
The dishes await you, lad.
if you say the last 4 lines out loud it doesn't sound right
how about;
it's time to eat
forget, be glad
then do the dishes
that's a good lad
that just one example.
(03-31-2010, 01:24 AM)billy Wrote: [ -> ]in the main the poem feels like it works.
the last verse feels like an add on to end it.
it would be better if it was in the same easy feel as the rest of it.
it can be funny by all means dan.
nothing stops you changing the last line of the 2nd verse. for me it doesn't really work because of the bun. silly i know but i'm just being honest.
lets have a look at the last verse;
It's time to eat
And forget and be glad. two ands make it mmmm
For when you finish
The dishes await you, lad. if you say the last 4 lines out loud it doesn't sound right
how about;
it's time to eat
forget, be glad
then do the dishes
that's a good lad
that just one example.
So like this:
Pour the oil
Heat it up
Shake Swirl it around
the frying pan
Bacon goes first
Hear it sizzle
Perfect and crisp
Into the bun.
Heavenly smell. -> Is that maybe a bit better?
Rip open
The sausage pack
Fling'em in
And watch them swell
Break the egg
And splash it on
From clear to white
Sunny side up.
It's Time to eat
And Forget,
and be glad.
For when you finish
The dishes await you, lad.
then do the dishes
that's a good lad. -> Hope you don't mind me stealing your lines
. I couln't come up with something without it being too long or just sounding different
The edit really improved that last stanza... reads very well.
Loved it! It was fun!
Interesting. I like your humor and boldness. Usually, people don't always write humor poems. The only thing I would say is that, to me it seemed more like you were telling than just showing. But, it's no biggie, since it is your first and also I too, have a problem with the show and tell.
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