Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[billy]

it's getting there. 2nd time round the two words mentioned feel a little alien to the language of the poem

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us i much prefer ; [If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins] though without the comma or dashes. for me the first version of the line has more intimacy
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor; now i know i really do get it, what pissed her off though?
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. good alliteration and i like the personality in the line.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out been thinking on this and the word [ketotic] feels out of place in the poem, it's not of the language you use elsewhere apart from coriolis which also feels slightly off from the simplicity you have elsewhere
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits




original
If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor.
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolis chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits