Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[ajcohen613]

Edit 1.0

If ever Winter's breath squeezed in-between us
(we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed)
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes.
I had to ask but read the signs as silver hit the floor;
my cold, symbolic, sassy bitch, I could not love you more. /I love this line - it's hilarious and sounds great when read aloud.

I watched your toke smoke snake up to the ceiling,
in coriolis chaos over us. / Hmm.. I have a problem with this line in particular. Toke smoke snaking up to the ceiling..fine, but coriolis chaos? Doobie smoke and chaos don't match up for me; all the times "toke smoke" was over my head, there was nothing chaotic about it. Also, since a ceiling is mentioned in the previous line, "over us" doesn't seem necessary.
I recalled the twisted roads we'd crawled to get here,
and knew we'd leave the same way we had come.

Words killed me once ketotic fumes of passion, panted out
from lips still hot with blood, blew clear.
So a dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;

the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind

just because you're in it and no one knows or cares you're there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hope this helps. I really did enjoy what you have here.