Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[tectak]

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins-- I liked the "ever winter" sound and sway, but found "between our skins" odd. Our skin?
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. awe, how sad? It took me a few times to get what this was saying... million fish in the sea tectak...
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked sodden toke smoke snaked is a bit too much for me here, it stands out from the rest of the poem and is distracting. I also found the 'till and 'round contractions distracted. I suppose you only use them to keep the syllables correct...
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...I like this part. I read the poem as that the speaker is asking his girl to get married, but she says no "silver [ring?] hit the floor"... the maids "not today" sign is also a melancholy rejection...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Thanks q,
all your crit eaten and regurgitated
You got the ring thing but everbody must or I have failed...billy didn't. See my reply to he.
Young sport, no winners, moved on.
Best,
tectak

---

I don’t know if Rizla rolling paper ever made it across the pond, Zig-Zag was all the rage here. The bearded dude in their logo reminds me of Dale.

Ketotic is an interesting choice, most don’t know that a drop in blood sugar is what induces the munchies.

You may have misspelled ‘coriolis.’ However, those opposing spin effects are recalled.

I assume those two ‘your’s in the close are intentional substitutes for ‘you’re,’ but I have missed why you have done so.

An amusing poem, thanks for the ‘flashback’ Tom.

Groovy work /Chris

Hi Chris,
I'm a bugger for doing this. I READ the piece in to a *doc format with a speech/text convertor then edited in pig-pen. It was an experiment but I corrected the errors you and billy mentioned on-line. They WERE my errors, though
ZAG was much used by an American friend of mine, it imported;he, sadly departed by his own hand.
The edited version 1.0, Iconsider to be as close to the original as I can recall...work that one out!
Best,
tectak