Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[tectak]

the -- don' work for me, especially as they're both in the first two lines. (they distracted me enough to wish the first one didn't exist).

i know you like wordy and i too like your use of a longer style narration but here i think you could lose a small amount and make the rest stand tall.

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask shouldn't it be [it would be]? or [when winter's.. on the first line].
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. from this i get she's a hooker. not sure if that's what the symbolism is, as i also get a pic of judas
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips is the comma needed?
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked i like the sonics, the [blew clear] part i struggled wit. i don't think it's need or adds anything.
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way; is it [coriolis]?
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here, seldom do we need [just} here is no exception.
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind i like how you tie the poem off
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits

Hi billy,
You got more from this than I gave and gave back more than more than you got
I left a line out from the original because I have changed the tense to that old favourite the "I remember when" tense.
Somewhere I have the original but this version is the one I ran with because it was veracity-verse...long term relationship goes wrong and terminates in hotel room whilst in vino veritas amongst other substances. The silver was a ring, as death star deduced. I will edit.Coriolis...good catch. Fungi (gus) season has begun and I am more us than is.
Best,
tectak