Day Break edit 1.0 billy, qdeath

[billy]

the -- don' work for me, especially as they're both in the first two lines. (they distracted me enough to wish the first one didn't exist).

i know you like wordy and i too like your use of a longer style narration but here i think you could lose a small amount and make the rest stand tall.

If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins--
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask shouldn't it be [it would be]? or [when winter's.. on the first line].
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. from this i get she's a hooker. not sure if that's what the symbolism is, as i also get a pic of judas
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips is the comma needed?
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked i like the sonics, the [blew clear] part i struggled wit. i don't think it's need or adds anything.
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way; is it [coriolis]?
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here, seldom do we need [just} here is no exception.
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind i like how you tie the poem off
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...

tectak
remembering 1966 in bits