i've been there many times.
first thing i saw was lots of words that aren't needed and actually detract form the poem. i've made bold some of the words that i would suggest could be removed.
i was intrigued by the title and it kinda works, the poems certainly not about love, unless you're a mosquito an odd image would lift the poem quite a lot.
i don't think you need a large edit. just try an tighten it up a bit.
i've seen the caps on every line being mentioned elsewhere on the site and i have to say. "they only work well for me if i don't notice them"; here they slapped me to a fro across the chops
thanks for the read.
first thing i saw was lots of words that aren't needed and actually detract form the poem. i've made bold some of the words that i would suggest could be removed.
i was intrigued by the title and it kinda works, the poems certainly not about love, unless you're a mosquito an odd image would lift the poem quite a lot.
i don't think you need a large edit. just try an tighten it up a bit.
i've seen the caps on every line being mentioned elsewhere on the site and i have to say. "they only work well for me if i don't notice them"; here they slapped me to a fro across the chops
thanks for the read.
(08-25-2014, 11:18 AM)alatos Wrote: Mosquito bite on my ankle,
I’m up all night scratching you.
The bleeding starts, but my fingernails keep on raking.
Why can’t the itch just stop?
For a few days, you keep it up. feels very weak and vague, a suggestion; [you keep seeping, or you keep weeping] no need of a comma
For a few more, you dry into a scab. a suggestion; [ you're a crusty scab] or something else but try put a picture in the readers mind
Finally, you’re just a tiny purple scar.
I don’t even have to look at you
if I don’t want to.