08-25-2014, 12:55 PM
(08-25-2014, 09:09 AM)tectak Wrote: If ever winter's breath squeezed in, between our skins-- I liked the "ever winter" sound and sway, but found "between our skins" odd. Our skin?
and we were closer than a Rizla wrapped round weed--
it was to freeze the answer in your eyes. I had to ask
but knew the signs before the silver hit the floor. awe, how sad? It took me a few times to get what this was saying... million fish in the sea tectak...
You waited 'til ketotic fumes of passion, panted out from lips
still hot with blood, blew clear. My sodden toke smoke snaked sodden toke smoke snaked is a bit too much for me here, it stands out from the rest of the poem and is distracting. I also found the 'till and 'round contractions distracted. I suppose you only use them to keep the syllables correct...
up to the ceiling, to break in coriolus chaos on the way;
just like the twisted roads we crawled to get here,
and we would leave the same way we had come.
A dollar for the maid who thought she'd made it;
the card hung on the door said "Not today".
It's funny how a room can make you think you know your mind
just because your in it and no one knows or cares your there...I like this part. I read the poem as that the speaker is asking his girl to get married, but she says no "silver [ring?] hit the floor"... the maids "not today" sign is also a melancholy rejection...
tectak
remembering 1966 in bits