08-19-2014, 10:54 AM
(08-16-2014, 05:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote: life exists for those who seek for herHi Konstantin.
not those who walk by without looking in her eyes
but those who'll grab her by her thighs
they'll say 'I love you'
and 'I'll never say goodbye'
Like the others, I found the theme of grabbing life and living it (It's actually my purpose in this life) wonderful, but the structure is a little off to me. to me stating "grab her by her thighs" felt like a bit of forced passion if that makes sense. I think you can get the same level of passion across with something subtle like "but for those that will grab her, holding her tight" The last two lines left me flat. Here you are extolling the joys of living life, and the big finish is "They'll say I love you...." How about something a little more fiery, a little bigger? Something like "they'll shout 'I LOVE YOU!' and will never leave your side". Just something that gives a bigger payoff for the joy of living.
What is the point of living if you don't allow yourself to live?