life exists for those who seek for her
not those who walk by without looking in her eyes
but those who'll grab her by her thighs
they'll say 'I love you'
and 'I'll never say goodbye'

(08-16-2014, 05:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote:  life exists for those who seek for her You don't need the second for and you could drop life since its in your title.
not those who walk by without looking in her eyes
but those who'll grab her by her thighs
they'll say 'I love you'
and 'I'll never say goodbye'

Hi K27 this one seems very rushed.
Because you are using the same end and internal rhymes they come across as a little bit forced. I like the idea of the poem about grasping life and making the most of it, but I would say the poem doesn't really go very far there is only the grabbing thighs image for the reader to engage with, the last line is weak and sounds forced to pick up that rhyme again.

You should be giving some more feedback to others and reading some more it helps you be more critical of your own poems before posting. Best Keith

(08-16-2014, 05:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote:  life exists for those who seek for her
not those who walk by without looking in her eyes
but those who'll grab her by her thighs
they'll say 'I love you'
and 'I'll never say goodbye'

I like the idea. I think the last three lines could done much better. Creative & insightful, i see lots of potential if more time were to spent on this.

(08-16-2014, 05:41 AM)konstantin27 Wrote:  life exists for those who seek for her
not those who walk by without looking in her eyes
but those who'll grab her by her thighs
they'll say 'I love you'
and 'I'll never say goodbye'

Hi Konstantin.

Like the others, I found the theme of grabbing life and living it (It's actually my purpose in this life) wonderful, but the structure is a little off to me. to me stating "grab her by her thighs" felt like a bit of forced passion if that makes sense. I think you can get the same level of passion across with something subtle like "but for those that will grab her, holding her tight" The last two lines left me flat. Here you are extolling the joys of living life, and the big finish is "They'll say I love you...." How about something a little more fiery, a little bigger? Something like "they'll shout 'I LOVE YOU!' and will never leave your side". Just something that gives a bigger payoff for the joy of living.