San Andreas

[cjchaffin]

Hello cjc, I am cwc, pleased to meet you. I really dig geology in poetry (I use it often). The juxtaposition of a geological fault and relationship break-up/separation/divorce works well.

In part I, using ‘It is’ twice as stand alone’s don’t really do that much. ‘It is a fault’ and ‘It is the constant threat’ could achieve more drama and portend part II better in my opinion. Although ‘Slip’ is technically correct and it does contrast with ‘grind,’ the term does not encompass the tension, friction and violence of the planar geological structure or the metaphor for a relationship's fracture. Something like the scientific terms ‘throw and heave past each other' could work. 'Strain' comes to mind too, but there may be a word with a better onomatopoeia-effect. I even like shimmy, poetically speaking.

Part II reads well for me. You could substitute ‘quaking’ for ‘trembling’ for some very apropos double entendre. See what you think.

Thanks for the nice read. Cheers/Chris

well hello there! i am a Christopher as well but the only person who calls me that is my mother, and only when she's angry...so Chris it is!

thank you as well for the detailed feedback. i am a self-proclaimed geology geek too so it's nice to hear i'm sorta on the right track with the metaphor. i'll post an edit here soon and see if i can't clean this all up a bit.

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I.

It is
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come—
the big one.

Not sure this intro/setup is needed, the title says enough, most poeple have heared of the San Andreas fault. You could rework into an opening stanza in part II

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom. Nice aliteration and internal rhymes I enjoyed the all American image, a good opening.

She watches him drive away, this line adds very little leaves the reader asking questions unless we are taking the read as him and her and there backstory doesn't matter, still it could work harder.
the candy-apple red Mustang nice follow up to the opening
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers. A good way to show the reader the something has changed

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way. On the first read this left me disappointed, then I though it could be about a couple splitting up or the pain of bieng appart.

Hi cjchaffin
I like the idea that this one is ambiguous and I think that was your intention. The poem needs more work to develop the hidden themes and the sub plot as I mention above, this would give the reader a little more mystery. Part I's layout put me off with the repeats and I don't think it helps the piece. You have a good start here that works as a extended metaphor, well worth an edit. Hope this helps. Best Keith

keith, thank you for the detailed feedback. this is very helpful. and yes, the ambiguity is intentional. i like a little mystery in my poetry