edit #1:

I.

It is a fault,
a tear in the crust
where plates slip past each other
and grind edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come:
the big one.

II.

He unfolds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom.

The Mustang shrinks into a blip of color
as she stares out over the scarred plain,
the car’s candy-apple red body blazing
across the Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers.

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way.



Original:

I.

It is
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come—
the big one.

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom.

She watches him drive away,
the candy-apple red Mustang
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers.

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way.

(08-12-2014, 03:46 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  I.

It is
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come—
the big one.

Not sure this intro/setup is needed, the title says enough, most poeple have heared of the San Andreas fault. You could rework into an opening stanza in part II

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom. Nice aliteration and internal rhymes I enjoyed the all American image, a good opening.

She watches him drive away, this line adds very little leaves the reader asking questions unless we are taking the read as him and her and there backstory doesn't matter, still it could work harder.
the candy-apple red Mustang nice follow up to the opening
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers. A good way to show the reader the something has changed

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way. On the first read this left me disappointed, then I though it could be about a couple splitting up or the pain of bieng appart.

Hi cjchaffin
I like the idea that this one is ambiguous and I think that was your intention. The poem needs more work to develop the hidden themes and the sub plot as I mention above, this would give the reader a little more mystery. Part I's layout put me off with the repeats and I don't think it helps the piece. You have a good start here that works as a extended metaphor, well worth an edit. Hope this helps. Best Keith

Hello cjc, I am cwc, pleased to meet you. I really dig geology in poetry (I use it often). The juxtaposition of a geological fault and relationship break-up/separation/divorce works well.

In part I, using ‘It is’ twice as stand alone’s don’t really do that much. ‘It is a fault’ and ‘It is the constant threat’ could achieve more drama and portend part II better in my opinion. Although ‘Slip’ is technically correct and it does contrast with ‘grind,’ the term does not encompass the tension, friction and violence of the planar geological structure or the metaphor for a relationship's fracture. Something like the scientific terms ‘throw and heave past each other' could work. 'Strain' comes to mind too, but there may be a word with a better onomatopoeia-effect. I even like shimmy, poetically speaking.

Part II reads well for me. You could substitute ‘quaking’ for ‘trembling’ for some very apropos double entendre. See what you think.

Thanks for the nice read. Cheers/Chris

(08-12-2014, 04:34 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote:  Hello cjc, I am cwc, pleased to meet you. I really dig geology in poetry (I use it often). The juxtaposition of a geological fault and relationship break-up/separation/divorce works well.

In part I, using ‘It is’ twice as stand alone’s don’t really do that much. ‘It is a fault’ and ‘It is the constant threat’ could achieve more drama and portend part II better in my opinion. Although ‘Slip’ is technically correct and it does contrast with ‘grind,’ the term does not encompass the tension, friction and violence of the planar geological structure or the metaphor for a relationship's fracture. Something like the scientific terms ‘throw and heave past each other' could work. 'Strain' comes to mind too, but there may be a word with a better onomatopoeia-effect. I even like shimmy, poetically speaking.

Part II reads well for me. You could substitute ‘quaking’ for ‘trembling’ for some very apropos double entendre. See what you think.

Thanks for the nice read. Cheers/Chris

well hello there! i am a Christopher as well but the only person who calls me that is my mother, and only when she's angry...so Chris it is!

thank you as well for the detailed feedback. i am a self-proclaimed geology geek too so it's nice to hear i'm sorta on the right track with the metaphor. i'll post an edit here soon and see if i can't clean this all up a bit.

---

(08-12-2014, 04:33 AM)Keith Wrote:  

(08-12-2014, 03:46 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  I.

It is
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come—
the big one.

Not sure this intro/setup is needed, the title says enough, most poeple have heared of the San Andreas fault. You could rework into an opening stanza in part II

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom. Nice aliteration and internal rhymes I enjoyed the all American image, a good opening.

She watches him drive away, this line adds very little leaves the reader asking questions unless we are taking the read as him and her and there backstory doesn't matter, still it could work harder.
the candy-apple red Mustang nice follow up to the opening
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers. A good way to show the reader the something has changed

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way. On the first read this left me disappointed, then I though it could be about a couple splitting up or the pain of bieng appart.

Hi cjchaffin
I like the idea that this one is ambiguous and I think that was your intention. The poem needs more work to develop the hidden themes and the sub plot as I mention above, this would give the reader a little more mystery. Part I's layout put me off with the repeats and I don't think it helps the piece. You have a good start here that works as a extended metaphor, well worth an edit. Hope this helps. Best Keith

keith, thank you for the detailed feedback. this is very helpful. and yes, the ambiguity is intentional. i like a little mystery in my poetry

(08-12-2014, 03:46 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  I.

It is -- personally I'd join these two lines together, simply because "it is" isn't super powerful, whereas "fault" definitely is, and it sets up the metaphor
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury. -- you could consider dropping "their"

It is -- whereas here, "it is" alone works simply because it's a continuation
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come— I'm being pedantic, but maybe a colon would be better here?
the big one.

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom.

She watches him drive away,
the candy-apple red Mustang -- to make this slightly more active, you could try something like "she watches as the candy-apple red Mustang shrinks into a blip of color (damn you anti-u spellers!)
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers.

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way.

(08-12-2014, 03:46 AM)cjchaffin Wrote:  I.

It is
a fault,
a tear in the crust,
a place where plates slip
past each other and grind
their edges in unchecked fury.

It is
the constant threat of quakes,
the uncertainty of life,
the remembrance of tremors past,
the fear of what is to come—
the big one.

II.

He folds the map of California in his lap,
shoves a Marlboro in his mouth
and lights his way to freedom.

She watches him drive away,
the candy-apple red Mustang
a shrinking blip of color
in the bland Central Valley scrubland.

Her shadow wavers in the hot sun,
a dust-covered caricature
with outstretched arms
and trembling fingers.

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way.

Hiya chris!

I enjoy this quite a bit. Nice metaphor. The second section is much stronger IMO.

In S1 I'm not sure the line breaks and the form are pulling their weight. I feel the same way about "a place". I wonder if you might consider simplifying it a bit to bring more focus to the figure:

It is a fault,
a tear in the crest
where plates slip
and grind their edges
in unchecked fury.

In S2 I'm not sure the "uncertainty of life" line is needed. It seems to me that it is already implied and the image is stronger without the abstraction. It is a strong metaphor though and I don't see it as a big problem.

Oops! I just peeked at Leanne's post; it's right below me in on the editor screen. I have nothing to add to her suggestions for the second section.

Thanks for the poem.

leanne, those are some great suggestions. i'll work them into my edit.

fogs, thanks as always for feedback and the keen eye...great catch on the map scenario, i'll fix it.

true, also some great suggestions and observations, for which i am very grateful.

alright all, you've given me some wonderful feedback and i'm feeling much better about this piece. i've got some work to do! shall post an edit soon. thanks everyone.

Very well crafted. I'm not sure about unchecked fury, especially in regard to the relationship - something like repressed or controlled would be more apt, I think.

Beneath her feet, the ground
shifts without warning
and gives way.

The last line is maybe superfluous.

ray, thank you. i thought about axing that last line but i decided to keep it because it offers a greater sense of finality than just the ground shifting. but i'm grateful for the feedback, it really does make me revisit the areas that need attention.

I think Section II is significantly stronger than Section I, and almost stands on its own. I'm not sure what you're getting out of Section I at the moment.

"Lights his way to freedom"... mixed thoughts on that, sounds interested but I'm not sure what it means.