08-12-2014, 05:11 AM
(07-08-2014, 04:41 AM)Alexearth Wrote: I stare throughout the window,SEE BELOW FOR MY CRITIQUE:
without a word nor a move,
at the numerous tower lights,
white, orange and blue,
offices or homes, I’ll never know,
a depiction of modern solitude.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life,
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too
and as small and powerless I am
facing the imminence of all happenings
like a voyeur I wonder,
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to
and how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new.
I stare throughout the window,
without a word nor a move,
at the numerous tower lights,
white, orange and blue,
offices or homes, I’ll never know,
a depiction of modern solitude. -I like this idea of buildings filled with flickering light and people, yet everyone is isolated from themselves. It's a good line. In the next line you talk of them showing life, (I assume you mean people living there) but you imply that already in the line about offices and homes and the one after about secret worlds etc.
But the flicker of these lights shows signs of life. - delete this line, maybe.
secret worlds, strange, and jittery too – what do you mean, jittery? That usually means nervous. Are you meaning nervous worlds? What does that mean?
and as small and powerless I am
facing the imminence of all happenings – maybe rewrite to this?: small and powerless as I am, facing the beginnings of happenings, I wonder, am I a voyeur? Do I envy these secret lives? But, I revel in my aloneness, facing the grandeur of my surrounds etc etc. Just a suggestions.
like a voyeur I wonder,
I envy these lives I am casually drawn to
and how blissfully lone I feel
facing the grandeur of my surroundings
in the dark comfortable night
where the silent treat leaves all dreams wandering
and takes me somewhere new.
I vaguely get your meaning, if it's what I think it's about, I, too, have also wondered about the lives strangers lead. As others critics said, you are way too casual with your grammar.
The Silverwood poet